


pack up all my cares and woe

by lco123



Series: Bye Bye Blackbird [2]
Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-05-24 14:45:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6157039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanna arrives in D.C. like a hurricane, permanently altering the life Spencer and Caleb have built together.  (Hanna, Spencer and Caleb's story in the "Bye Bye Blackbird" universe)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hanna: Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in the same universe as "sugar's sweet, and so is she," picking up roughly a year and a half before that story begins and about seven months after 6x15 (so definitely spoilers up to that point). Canon-divergent after 6x15. Title also from "Bye Bye Blackbird." There will be sections told from the points of view of Hanna, Spencer and Caleb, respectively.
> 
> Now has its own playlist! http://8tracks.com/lco123/pack-up-all-my-cares-and-woe

The realization that she saw Jordan as more of an idea than a man—as a symbol of the kind of life she wanted, as opposed to the person she wanted to share said life with—fucking sucked, frankly.

It took a two and a half year long relationship and a year and a half long engagement to get there, but when she got it, Hanna _got_ it.  There were clues she should have picked up on—her reluctance to set a wedding date was certainly a big one—but in Hanna’s defense, she’d spent years searching for clues.  Perhaps her detective side needed a break.

Once it’s all said and done, and she’s returned the ring and the keys and is sitting in the new apartment that is tiny and empty, but _hers_ , the amount of relief she feels is undeniable.  She’s free.  She can be whatever she wants to be.

Now who the hell is that?

There’s no Mona to coax her into a new shape, no Alison to cut her down until only shards remain.  Her friends are all scattered to different corners of the country.  Hanna is all alone.  And every time she leaves her apartment, she’s forced to confront that fact all over again.  Her job is just as unfulfilling as it’s ever been—her new boss isn’t as bad as Claudia, but the work is essentially the same.  The city is a hulking, cruel reminder of every phony moment with Jordan.  It seems no spot is safe from nostalgia.

There’s never been a better time to leave New York.

  

Hanna doesn’t call first, because she knows if she did she’d talk herself out of it.  She makes the travel plans quickly, before she can second-guess this idea.  Because it’s a terrible idea, not to mention a weird one.

She’d barely talked to Mona on her last visit to Rosewood, only knows where she lives from some careful sleuthing (Mona isn’t hiding where she lives, which feels like possibly a good sign).  Hanna doesn’t even know why she’s doing what’s she doing—she just knows that right now, when she’s at her lowest, visiting Mona Vanderwaal seems like the thing to do.

She arrives in D.C. around seven at night, finds her rental car and navigates herself to Mona’s apartment building.  It’s a beautiful structure, looks relatively new and definitely expensive.  She didn’t even think about the fact that she’d have to ring a buzzer, and is so caught off guard when she hears Mona’s voice that she simply says, “It’s me.”  That seems to be enough for Mona; she’s buzzed inside.

When Hanna gets to the door she breathes in and out a few times before knocking.  Mona swings the door open immediately.  She looks casual, comfortable, in a way that is almost unnerving.  She isn’t dressed up in the way Hanna is used to.  On the contrary, she’s in faded jeans and a maroon sweater, hair in a messy up-do.

Hanna doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing here.

Mona cocks an eyebrow when she sees her, and Hanna is pretty sure she catches her staring at her boobs for a second or two.  Hanna has a flash of gratitude that she wore the blue Chanel dress, so quick she can’t ponder why she feels that way.

Mona smiles, though it doesn’t totally reach her eyes.  “As I live and breathe, Hanna Marin.  What brings you to our nation’s capitol?”  She steps to the side, motioning for Hanna to come in before answering the question.  Hanna does so, taking in Mona’s modest but impeccably decorated apartment.

She turns around as Mona closes the door behind her.  “I needed to get out of New York,” she says in her best I’m-being-casual voice.

Mona smirks a little, as though she doesn’t quite buy it, but she doesn’t press further.  She makes her way over to an old-fashioned bar cart in the living room.  “Would you care for a martini?  I find I’ve developed a fondness for them recently.”  Mona tosses it off as though it’s the most casual thing in the world, but Hanna can’t help but scoff.

“What?  No one really likes the taste of martinis,” she objects, wrinkling her nose.  She’s had probably three martinis in her twenty-four years, and they all tasted like alcoholic dishwater to her.

Mona shrugs and goes about making the drinks, fixing one for Hanna as well.  “I do.  You’ve never tasted mine.”  Hanna tears her eyes away from Mona—such a study in contrasts, making a grown-up drink in her elegant apartment while dressed so casually—and looks around the apartment.  It's the home of someone who knows who they are, Hanna thinks.  The couch looks lush and comfortable, and she longs to sink down into it after her day of traveling.

Mona turns to look at her as she finishes with the drinks.  “Go ahead, sit down.  You know you want to,” she says, voice dropping a little on the last sentence.  Her gaze is so focused that Hanna shivers a moment, but then Mona smiles and looks away.  “Try it,” she instructs as she carries the martinis to the table in front of the couch.  

Hanna does as she’s told, plopping down on the couch and sipping her martini gingerly.  She has to admit that it’s better than any she’s ever tasted, but still tastes kind of gross to her.  She must make a bit of a face because Mona smirks a little.  “Not your drink?”

Hanna does her best smirk back and takes another, less cautious sip.  “I’ve had worse.”

Mona raises her eyebrows in mock upset.  “What a ringing endorsement!”  She takes a slow, steady sip of her own drink and grins.  “Mmm, just the way I like it.  Extra dirty.”  She shifts on the couch, staring intently back at Hanna, who sets her drink down and tries to get more comfortable.  “So, what are you really doing here?” Mona posits.

Hanna looks down at her hands, at her now ring-less finger.  She’s sure that Mona has noticed, but she explains anyway, “Jordan and I broke up.  I needed to get out of New York.”  She dares to look at Mona, who appears genuinely sorrowful.

“I’m sorry,” she says in response.

Hanna takes a breath.  “I came here because I want to finally bury the lead—”

“Hatchet.”

“Whatever.  Once and for all.”  Hanna stops talking then, and she knows she’s not explaining this fully—in fact, she’s doing the Mona-thing, which is also the Ali-thing, of telling half-truths.  Just enough to intrigue, to entice, but not enough to shape the whole story.

Mona is too smart to let her get away with it.  She takes another sip of her drink before setting it down in a deliberate manner and sitting back.  Her eyes narrow as she simply asks, “Why?”

Hanna takes a deep breath.  Her actual reason is messy, and hard to configure, because she doesn’t totally know why she’s here.  She just knows that she felt a pull to seek Mona out, strong as an anchor dragging a ship to the bottom of the ocean.  “I don’t really know myself right now, and I guess that no one really knows me the way you do,” she pieces together, before continuing, “And I figured that maybe that’s true for you too.”

Mona studies her for a long moment.  Hanna can see in her eyes that she has a million questions in there, ones meant to interrogate, to defend; questions meant to distance Hanna, to cut her down, and questions also intended to bring her closer.  Hanna feels like she’s bracing for impact, but all Mona says is, “You’re right.  We do know each other in a way no one else does.”

“How do you feel about me now?” Hanna asks before she can think to be afraid of the answer.

Mona sweeps her eyes across Hanna’s face and smiles a little sadly.  “The way I always felt, I suppose.”

Hanna gulps.  She knows she’s on the edge of something, that she’s forcing them both into a deep end that she may not be ready for.  But she can’t stop now.  “And what way is that?”

A long, slow exhale comes from Mona.  Her eyes meet Hanna’s again, and for the first time in years Hanna is certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Mona is telling the truth when she says, “I’ve always been in love with you, Hanna.  Since we were fourteen.  You _know_ that.”

It’s all Hanna needs; before she knows it, she’s crashing their mouths together, tasting the gasp of her own name on Mona’s lips.

 

Hanna awakens on sheets that smell like French lilac, and she isn’t filled with regret.  Sadness, perhaps, or melancholy—something in that category.  But not regret.  Flashes of the previous evening filter their way through her consciousness: the feel of Mona’s incredibly smooth skin, her teeth nipping at Hanna’s neck, her fingers long and perfect and everywhere, her tongue—

“Good morning,” Mona says throatily, breaking the spell of Hanna’s reflection.  She smirks when Hanna clears her throat.

“Good morning,” Hanna responds, head spinning.  She shifts in the bed to more directly face Mona, who is propped up on her side with the sheet draped tastefully over her body.  “Did you sleep well?”  It feels like a ridiculous question—Hanna knows they spent very little of the previous night sleeping—but she isn’t sure what else to say.

Mona, for her part, merely nods.  Her smile begins to fade and she looks at the thin sliver of space on the bed between them.  Hanna senses that Mona wants to touch her, because she sort of wants to do the same, but something stops them both.  

Mona looks like she wants to say something but she remain silent, gaze still fixed on the sheets.  Hanna feels like she has to fill the silence, and there’s a question that’s been on her mind since last night, so she decides to voice it: “Have you ever done that before?”

Mona’s eyes snap back up to meet her, and they’re so overwhelming sad that Hanna is taken aback for a moment.  Mona isn’t exactly tearful, but she looks almost mournful.  “No,” she says, then blinks her eyes slowly and continues, “I mean, yes, I’ve slept with women before.  But I’ve never done _that_.”

Hanna doesn’t ask what _that_ means; she can fill in the blanks.  Having sex with someone you’ve been in love with for a decade has got to be a whirlwind of different emotions.  The sexy sense of power that Hanna enjoyed last night as Mona begged her to let her come suddenly feels gross and massive.  She knows in that moment that she will never feel about Mona the way Mona feels about her.  And she sort of hates herself for that.  “I’m sorry,” Hanna murmurs.

“What for?” Mona asks, though there’s no question in her voice.

Hanna finally reaches across the space between them, puts a hand gently on Mona’s elbow.  “This isn’t going to happen again,” she says as gently as possible.  “I’m sorry if you feel taken advantage of.”

Mona stiffens against her touch and the words, then relaxes slightly.  “I’m sorry if _you_ felt taken advantage of.  I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

Hanna shakes her head.  “No, I’m glad it did,” she insists.  “It just means something different to us both.”

Mona seems to agree, granting Hanna a very slight nod.  “Is that why you came here?” she asks, tone a shade sharper.

“No!” Hanna says emphatically, before recognizing that she isn’t sure.  “I mean, if I did I didn’t know I did.”  Mona can’t help but smile a little at that.  She silently rolls away from Hanna and sits up, starting to pull her sweater back on.

Hanna moves to do the same, watching Mona all the while.  She feels both grateful and so sad when she looks at her friend.  Hanna wishes that Mona could be the thing that she’s searching for.  She hopes that Mona can find someone who wants her, and only her.

They say their goodbyes quickly, neither wanting to linger over a potentially intense and awkward brunch.  Hanna sits on the stairs outside Mona’s apartment for several long minutes, before making a phone call that she half hopes won’t be answered.  When it is, Hanna feels her stomach plummet a little.

“Spencer,” she says.  “I just had sex with Mona.  Can I come see you?”

 

 


	2. Spencer: Part 1

Hanna looks so disheveled when she arrives at Spencer’s door that for half a second Spencer is certain that A must be back.  It’s an automatic response, one that she experiences whenever Caleb is running late getting home or Emily doesn’t call her back in a timely fashion.  “A is gone,” Caleb assures her.  “It’s all over,” Emily insists.  _Is it?_ Spencer wonders.  She’s heard those words before, only to turn her phone on and find another threatening message.

But today, it is clearly not A who has upset Hanna, but rather a confusing sexual encounter that seems to have sent her into a tailspin.  “Um, hi, Hanna,” Spencer greets as Hanna pushes past her into the apartment.  They haven’t seen one another since they were last in Rosewood, nearly seven months ago.  The awkwardness in the immediate aftermath of Spencer and Caleb’s coupling has faded somewhat, but Spencer still longs for the days when they were as close as they were as teenagers.

“Hey, Spencer,” Hanna responds, turning to face her.  Spencer notices Hanna scan her eyes over the apartment, most likely noting the size (it’s pretty tiny, but Spencer’s used to it by now) and the clutter (uncharacteristic for a Hastings, but inevitable when she and Caleb have to work so much).  Spencer feels a pang when she realizes that Hanna must be comparing it, perhaps unintentionally, to the New York apartment she and Caleb once shared.

Hanna finally looks back at Spencer, body sagging.  “So, I slept with Mona,” she starts off, an edge of teariness to her voice.

Spencer merely nods and leads Hanna over to one of the plush armchairs in the middle of the room.  Hanna collapses gratefully into it, and Spencer settles herself into its nearby twin.  “You slept with Mona,” Spencer repeats slowly.  She’s been processing this information since Hanna called her about a half hour ago, and still doesn’t have much clarity on the subject.

Hanna nods, blinking rapidly.  “Yeah.  I just—I needed to see her after…after Jordan.  And I don’t regret it, in fact I think it was probably sort of inevitable.  But I just don’t _know_ —” she breaks off, staring at her hands.

“What don’t you know, Han?” Spencer asks as tenderly as she can.  She studies Hanna, feeling both perplexed and deeply sad for her.  Spencer remembers when Aria called her after Hanna and Jordan broke up, remembers Aria saying that Hanna never expected to have her heart broken again so soon after Caleb.  Spencer left Hanna a couple of messages after that.  Hanna never returned her calls.

“I don’t know anything.  What I’m supposed to do or who I’m supposed to be.  I’m so tired of trying to figure it out.”  Hanna’s voice breaks on the words, tears finally falling from her eyes.  Spencer instinctively reaches for her, and Hanna tightly grasps Spencer’s hand in her own.

“You don’t have to know,” Spencer responds with conviction.  “You are Hanna, and what _I_  know is that I love you and I’m so glad you’re here.”  Spencer wishes there was something she could do to make Hanna believe her words completely.  They’re not empty phrases of comfort.  Spencer has missed Hanna so much.  She wants so badly to help repair Hanna, and maybe in the process repair what they’ve lost along with her.

 

Hanna is completely wrung-out between her emotional last few days and lack of sleep, so Spencer fixes up the pull-out couch and invites her to take a nap.  She's asleep in no time, much to Spencer’s satisfaction.  She’s been itching to call Caleb ever since Hanna arrived.

“Hey, babe,” he greets her, sounding a little tired but in a good mood.  “What’s up?”

“Umm, we have a decidedly unexpected guest,” Spencer begins tentatively.

“Why are you whispering?” Caleb asks.

“Because our guest is asleep.  And because our guest is Hanna.”  There’s a significant moment of silence from him and Spencer prompts, “Caleb?”

“Uh, sorry, was just taking that in.  Hanna?!” he says incredulously.

Spencer nods, then recognizes he can’t see her and confirms, “Yeah.  She’s—” Spencer considers mentioning the Mona of it all, then decides better of it.  That isn’t her information to share.  “She’s just going through a really hard time, with her break-up, and she needed to get out of New York.”

“But why D.C.?  Why _us_?  Something else must be going on.”  Caleb doesn’t sound upset, just bewildered.

Spencer exhales.  She never, ever lies to Caleb, not anymore.  She spent so much of her youth telling half-truths and non-truths to people she cared about and to complete strangers.  She never wants to feel that sick, guilty feeling in her gut again, and has made it her mission to be totally, 100% honest with Caleb all the time, about things big and small.  And amazingly, she’s succeeded.

But this is Hanna.  And despite the shift in their friendship in the last few months, and the physical distance between them in the last few years, Hanna will always be her family.  If Spencer was metaphorically cracked open, Hanna would always be found as a piece of her insides.  So Spencer lies—not a big lie, but a lie all the same.  “I don’t know,” she says.  “But I think she needs us right now.”  At least that part is true.   

Caleb can’t really argue with that, nor does he want to.  That’s part of why Spencer loves him so much.  He _gets_ it.  He knows about A, has learned between his years with Hanna and his time with Spencer about nearly every bit of torment thrown their way.  But in understanding all of that, another thing he’s had to understand is that it didn’t happen to him.  It just happened to Emily, Aria, Hanna and Spencer, and because of that, the four of them will always need and be there for each other in an entirely unique way.  “You guys are war buddies,” Caleb has said with affection from time to time.  “That’s a bond that can’t be broken.”

Caleb sighs.  “Hanna can stay as long as she needs to,” he says.  Spencer gratefully agrees.  After she hangs up she looks at Hanna for a moment, and something in her starts to bloom.  She’d call it hope if she wasn’t so wary of the word.  

Hanna is here, she’s really here, and maybe Spencer’s been given a chance to make things right.

 


	3. Caleb: Part 1

It's really weird coming home to Spencer _and_ Hanna.  It just undeniably is.  Once Caleb’s gotten through the door, spied Hanna still asleep on the couch and been hustled into the kitchen by Spencer, she asks him in a hushed tone, “Is this weird for you?” and he has to bite down on a laugh.  Because yes, of course it is.

But Spencer’s eyes look so concerned, and Caleb vowed to himself a long time ago to never be the cause of her worry.  She’s spent enough of her life doing that.  He doesn’t need to contribute to more.  So he takes Spencer’s hands in his own, smiles, and speaks honestly when he says, “Yeah, but it’s okay.”  Spencer smiles back, relieved.

The two of them go about making dinner as quietly as possible.  It’s become one of Caleb’s favorite routines, one so well-choreographed they don’t need to talk it through.  Tonight is rare in that neither of them have had to work late, so they can actually cook something instead of just picking up take-out.  Caleb goes about searing the chicken breasts he marinated earlier, while Spencer pulls out the fixings for a salad.  He can’t help but study her hands as they move over the greens.  He loves watching her hands; so long and elegant, but incredibly capable, quick and strong.  Much like Spencer herself.

Midway through the meal preparation, Hanna awakens with a start on the couch.  Caleb doesn’t notice at first, so preoccupied with the chicken and with Spencer.  But then he notices some tension falling over Spencer’s shoulders, her eyes refocusing, and he follows her gaze over to Hanna, just beginning to rise up.

Hanna clears her throat a few times, her back still to them, and Caleb takes a breath.  He hasn’t really talked to Hanna—certainly hasn’t been alone with her—since she bought him a beer at The Radley about seven months ago.  It's still jarring how someone who meant everything to him, who was so completely his partner, can feel akin to a stranger now.  Spencer shoots him a heavy glance; he knows she feels it too.

“Hey,” Hanna says in that way that Caleb knows means she feels uncomfortable.  He half-smiles at the recognition.  Maybe she’s not such a stranger after all.

Hanna makes her way toward them in the kitchen.  She has that look one gets when they wake up in a place far from home: a little disoriented, somewhat self-conscious, perhaps even a bit nauseous.  “Hey,” Caleb replies as warmly as he can.  He never wants Hanna to feel uneasy around him.

“How are you feeling?” Spencer asks Hanna.

Hanna shrugs, gingerly sitting down on one of the barstools along the breakfast counter.  “Better, I think.”  She rolls her shoulders back, blinking slowly.  Caleb has a little pang of…something, recalling all those mornings of them waking up together, sleepiness clinging to Hanna as he tried to coax her out of bed to go to work.  “Thanks for letting me crash on your couch for a few hours.  I can—uh—I can head out now.”

Caleb squints at her.  “Are you heading back to New York?”  It sounds like more of an invitation to leave than he intended it.  He’s just genuinely curious.

Hanna bites her lip.  “I don’t really know,” she admits with a sad smile.  He can see in her every micro-expression how much she doesn’t want to go home.  It surprises him, but he doesn’t blame her.  New York had seemed like a fairytale when compared to Rosewood—or, God, Ravenswood—but the reality, or at least his reality, was that it actually felt huge and harsh.  Somehow crowded with people and incredibly lonely at the same time.  But Hanna, she loved it there.  Or at least, she had at one point. 

Caleb looks to Spencer, and she holds his stare for a second before turning to Hanna.  “You can stay here, Han,” she says.  “You can stay here at long as you like.”  Hanna tries to subtlety move her head toward Caleb, but Spencer clearly isn’t having that.  “He and I already talked about it.  It’s fine.”

Caleb nods.  “Whatever you need.”  It’s a declaration he knows he’s made before, in a very different context.  It feels a little like every interaction between the three of them in the years they've known each other has been dumped into a blender.

Hanna is silent for a moment, eyes flicking between the two of them.  Caleb is distantly aware that the chicken is probably burning, but that doesn’t seem important right now.  “Okay,” Hanna finally says with gratitude and perhaps a whiff of resignation.  “I’ll stay.”

Spencer tries to control her reaction, but Caleb catches it anyway: her grin could light up a dark room.  Maybe this won't be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some difficulty capturing Caleb's voice, having never really written it before. Would love honest feedback so I can improve moving forward. :)


	4. Hanna: Part 2

Hanna is awakened by the sound of a door closing.  She lies still on the couch for a few minutes, reorienting herself.  It’s a little chilly in the apartment, but not too cold.  She squints at the thin shades over the windows; it looks like the sun hasn’t come up yet.  Who the hell is up so early?  She immediately answers her own question: surely, it’s Spencer.

Hanna shifts around under the covers, making sure she’s decently covered before sitting up and peering toward the kitchen.  Caleb is making something—eggs, it looks like.  Hanna tries to keep her nostalgia in check but it gets to her anyway.  How many mornings started exactly like this, Hanna waking slowly to find Caleb making them breakfast, the day just opening up and feeling fresh with possibility?  She feels sick just thinking of it.

“Hey,” Caleb greets, snapping her out of the memory.  Hanna gets up and walks over to one of the barstools.  She likes the breakfast bar.  She always wished Jordan’s apartment had one of those.  Caleb smiles.  “Spencer said to make sure you had a full breakfast.  You want some eggs?”

Hanna nods, accepting the plate he hands her.  “Can I have some coffee?” she asks, motioning toward the pot.  He pours her a mug and hands it to her wordlessly.  “What time is it?”

“Just after six,” he replies.

Hanna rolls her eyes.  “Only Spencer would get to work before the sun is even up.”  It sounds bitchier than she intended, so she quickly tacks on, “I mean that affectionately.”

“I know what you mean.”  He shrugs.  “Spencer’s always herself.”

Hanna takes a bite of her eggs and instantly feels happier.  “I missed these.  You make the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had.”

Caleb raises his eyebrows playfully.  “I’ve told you the trick is garlic powder and a little half and half.  You could make them exactly the same.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same if you’re not the one making them,” Hanna replies.  It’s not exactly flirtatious, but it’s not _not_ flirtatious, and God, it’s too early for her to be thinking about this.  She sips her coffee, nearly choking on it.  “Shit, I forgot how strong Spencer makes it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Caleb says in recognition, taking a hearty sip of his own coffee without a wince.  “I guess I’ve gotten used to it.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes, Caleb leaning against the microwave with his plate and Hanna in what’s become her spot on the barstool.  Hanna isn’t sure if she feels uncomfortable, or just a little awkward, or what.  But it’s not the most carefree meal of her life.  At one point Caleb’s phone buzzes and Hanna can tell by the grin on his face that it must be Spencer.

“You guys seem really happy together,” Hanna says suddenly, her voice sounding too loud after the lengthy silence.  She relaxes slightly, continuing with sincerity, “I’m really happy for you.”

Caleb really looks in her eyes for the first time since she got here.  “Thanks, Han.  We are.”  He sets his plate down, expression growing a bit more somber.  “I’m really sorry about you and Jordan.”

Hanna stiffens at that.  She knew it was coming—Caleb is too good of a guy to not acknowledge her breakup—but it still feels like the wind has gotten knocked out of her.  “Thanks,” she replies, studying her plate.

“Y’know, you can talk about it, if you want to.  Of course you don’t have to, but I want you to know that you can.”  Caleb sounds so earnest that Hanna starts to get that sick feeling again.

She looks up at him.  “You don’t really want to hear about my breakup,” she says wryly, shaking her head.

Caleb moves a little closer.  “No, I do,” he insists.  “I mean, we’re friends, and that’s what friends do, right?  Talk about relationships?”

Hanna lets out the breath she didn’t know she was holding.  “Okay,” she begins, forcing herself to keep her gaze steady.  “There’s not much to tell, I guess.  Jordan was amazing, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for.”  It isn’t the whole story, and now there’s the added weirdness with Mona (which she knows Caleb would _not_ approve of), but it’s a start.  An olive branch, or whatever.

Caleb nods.  She knows he won’t push her further, and she appreciates that.  “How’s work?” he asks.

Hanna shrugs.  Caleb’s not an I-told-you-so kind of guy, but it’s sort of an I-told-you-so situation.  Hanna hasn’t quit her current position, but she’s been on the verge for a couple of weeks, and this little hiatus of hers is most likely the nail in the coffin.  She’ll either be fired or she’ll quit, and her apathy about either of those things happening speaks volumes.  “Unfulfilling,” she says simply.  “Exhausting.” 

For his part, Caleb says nothing, merely nods and starts cleaning up the breakfast dishes.  Hanna gets up to help him, pushing her plate across the counter and collecting her silverware.  She makes her way to the other side of the bar, but quickly realizes how small the kitchen is when she nearly bumps into Caleb.  “Sorry,” she mutters, suddenly aware of their proximately.  She hasn’t been this close to him in…she doesn’t even want to think about how long.  Another wave of nostalgia, or mourning, hits her like a tidal wave.

Caleb clears his throat.  “Uh, I can take care of this.”  He nods over to her unpacked bag, still sitting primly in one of the lounge chairs.  “You should keeping settling in.  Take a shower if you want.  I don’t have to get ready for work for an hour.  Spencer put some towels for you in the bathroom.”

Hanna cracks a half-smile at that.  “Are you saying I stink?” she teases, backing out of the kitchen.

Caleb turns to look at her, grinning.  “I mean, I didn’t want to _say_ anything…”

She opens her mouth in mock-outrage.  “You jerk!  I smell like a garden full of roses.”  All the same, she opens her bag and starts pulling out her shower supplies.

“Whatever you say, Han, whatever you say,” Caleb calls behind her, and Hanna laughs all the way to the bathroom.

 


	5. Spencer: Part 2

Spencer works very hard to not ask Hanna too many questions.  She wants to know everything: how Hanna’s doing, what happened with Jordan and with Mona, how long she plans to stay, where she wants to go now.  But, as Caleb reminds her, being interrogated is not going to help Hanna.  “She needs something to focus on,” he suggests when they’re in bed together three days after Hanna’s arrival.

Spencer agrees.  Hanna hasn’t exactly been moping—in fact, Spencer thinks she’s probably been working hard to seem upbeat around them—but she’s clearly lost.  Spencer and Caleb have to work so much that they haven’t been the greatest hosts, and so Hanna’s been pretty much flying solo.  She spent one day sightseeing before declaring herself bored of monuments.  Spencer and Caleb shared a grin at that.

The thing is, even though Hanna’s presence makes her feel a little on edge, Spencer doesn’t want her to leave.  Being around Hanna again is like coming home, or at least, what Spencer imagines coming home feels like for most people, normal people who don’t have cryptic sisters or absent fathers.  The bits of time they’ve spent together in the last few days, mostly in the evenings, have made Spencer feel warm and young in a way she’d forgotten.  

Still, she knows Hanna needs something to latch onto, and one day at work she gets an idea.  Caleb has to go out of town for work for a week, and there’s a benefit for a children’s charity that Spencer needs to attend.  It’s the sort of event she hates, all small-talk and fake smiles, using the guise of something noble—children or animals or cancer—to push political agendas.  But it’s also an important function “for networking,” her boss is quick to point out, as though the true purpose is lost on Spencer.  Caleb usually joins her at such gatherings and they stand in the corner making snarky comments between handshakes.  But in his absence, Spencer thinks this might be the perfect job for Hanna.

“I have a proposal for you,” she says that evening as Hanna is helping her fold laundry.  “Do you want to come to a benefit with me?  Next week?”

Hanna’s face ever-so-slightly lights up and Spencer internally cheers.  “A benefit?” Hanna repeats with mild caution. 

Spencer nods.  “Caleb usually comes with me, but he has to leave tomorrow…anyway, thought it might be fun.  We can get dressed up, drink champagne.  I’ll have to work a little, but still, I thought you might like to join me.”  She tries to sound as casual as possible, as though this isn’t part of the fix-Hanna plan.

Hanna knows her too well.  She narrows her eyes at Spencer, putting down the T-shirt she was folding.  “You’re trying to get me out of the house, aren’t you?  Give me something to focus on?”  She doesn’t sound mad, just a little annoyed, perhaps.

Spencer’s eyes snap up.  “How did you—?”

Hanna crosses her arms.  “It’s not that hard to figure out, Spence.  Besides, you guys have thin walls.  I heard you and Caleb talking the other night.”  She pauses and rolls her eyes.  “I hear _everything_ you guys do in there.”

Spencer feels herself flush and immediately drops her gaze.  “Hanna, I’m—I’m sorry,” she stammers.  “For, uh, not being straightforward and for the—”

“Sex noises?”  Hanna’s eyes are warm when Spencer glances back at her, so Spencer cautions a smile.

“Yeah, for those too,” she replies.  “I wasn’t trying to mislead you.  I really would like you to join me.  But I also think it would be good for you.”

“I’m not a lost puppy in need of a home,” Hanna says sharply, then amends, “Even if I am currently crashing here.”

Spencer nods.  “I know that.”

Hanna studies her for a moment.  “This isn’t your way of saying you’re sick of me, is it?”

Spencer emphatically shakes her head.  “No, the opposite.  I want to spend more time with you.  I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You said that already,” Hanna says with a hint of smugness.

“Well, I really mean it.”  Spencer sits down on edge of the pull-out bed, motions for Hanna to do the same.  “Come to the benefit with me,” she urges.  “I’ll even let you pick out what I wear.”

Hanna cracks a grin at that.  “Okay,” she replies after a beat.  “But I think this calls for a shopping spree.”  

“Deal,” Spencer says with a laugh.  She’d forgotten how pretty Hanna’s smile is.  Looking at her makes Spencer feel like she’s standing under the sun.


	6. Hanna: Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb is out of town, so we're jumping back into Hanna's point of view. Ten points to whoever can identify Hanna's book/movie reference.

Shopping with Spencer Hastings is pretty fun, but way exhausting.  Spencer has all kinds of criteria for her benefit outfit: anything sparkly or bright or in the vague realm of sexy is immediately put back on the rack.  Finally, after three stores and countless no’s, they’ve settled on a dress that Spencer deems, “Appropriate,” and Hanna deems, “Stylish mother-of-the-bride.”  

“That’s what I have you for,” Spencer explains.  “You’ll style it up for me.  Now, I’m treating you to coffee.”  Hanna doesn’t object.

So now they’re seated at a little cafe near the store, and they’ve already swapped a few stories back and forth when Spencer starts giving Hanna her detective look.  Hanna would recognize it anywhere.  She knows where this conversation is headed.

Hanna takes a long sip of her iced coffee.  “You want to ask me questions, don’t you?” she remarks after a beat.

Spencer hesitates, then shrugs.  “I don’t want to interrogate you.  But yes, I do have a few questions.”

Hanna leans forward, eyebrows raised.  “Ask me things.  Please.”  The phraseology feels familiar, like a line she might have picked up from a book or a movie, but she can’t quite place it.

Spencer’s face seems to dawn with similar recognition, but she doesn’t comment on it.  “Okay.  We talked a little about it before, but what’s the deal with Mona?”

Hanna guessed that this question was highest on Spencer’s list, and it makes her feel a little annoyed—not even at Spencer, but at the situation—because if this is Spencer’s number one question, then the why of Hanna’s breakup with Jordan isn’t a mystery to Spencer.  She probably knew all along that they weren’t right.  Hanna shrugs.  “I guess…I guess Mona knows me like no one else does.  And seeing her just confirmed what I always sort of knew about her.”

“That’s she’s in love with you?” Spencer prompts automatically.  Hanna feels something twist in her chest at that comment, but she merely nods.  Spencer looks like she wants to ask more but is holding back, so Hanna motions for her to continue.  “What was it like?” Spencer finally asks.

Hanna considers.  There’s a sense of guilt that she’s held onto ever since her encounter with Mona.  It’s hard not to feel like she took advantage.  “Sad,” she replies honestly.  “But kind of, I don’t know, lovely?  At the same time.”  

Hanna looks over to see Spencer nodding very slowly, a look of something unreadable—dissatisfaction, perhaps—gracing her features.  “That’s not what I—” she begins quietly, before abruptly cutting off.  Hanna narrows her eyes for a moment, studying, and then something clicks.  _Oh._  

Hanna breaks into a chuckle of realization.  “You’re not asking me about Mona.”

“What?” Spencer says, voice a little higher than normal.

“You’re not asking me about Mona,” Hanna repeats.  “You’re asking me about _girls_.  You’re asking what it was like to sleep with a girl.”

Spencer swallows and shakes her head.  “What makes you say that?”  She’s trying—and failing—to sound casual or surprised.  Hanna sees right through it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Hanna says with a laugh.  “I’d be curious too.  You’ve never done it?”

Spencer commits to the charade for one more beat, taking an overly-long sip of her coffee, before finally relaxing her posture and exhaling.  Her face is bright red as she shakes her head.  “I’ve just always kind of wondered…and I’m not about to ask _Emily_ , because it’s not like she has anything to compare it to.  But I never did the experimenting thing in college—the drinking and the sleeping with guys, sure.  But never the girl thing.”

Hanna nods.  “I hadn’t done it either, before Mona.  But—uh—I’d try it again.”  If it were anyone less complicated than Mona that Hanna was referring to, she’d divulge all the juicy details.  But instead she says simply, “No complaints.”  When Spencer looks at her questioningly, Hanna tacks on, “ _At all_.”

That seems to break the tension, and Spencer smiles.  “Well, not that I’m planning on sleeping with a woman anytime soon, but good to know.”  

“There’s always threesomes,” Hanna suggests before her mind can catch up to edit.  “You know what?  Just ignore that.  I don’t need to think about you, my ex and another girl.”  It’s as close as either of them have gotten to joking about the Caleb of it all, and Spencer looks nearly horrified.  “Oh, just forget that.  Strike it from the record.  I didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

“You didn’t,” Spencer is quick to reassure her.  “We just haven’t really talked about Caleb since you got here.”

Hanna smiles ruefully.  “Amazing how we’ve managed to avoid talking about anything too serious, huh?”  Spencer nods in reply.  “Look, Spence, you guys are happy, and very generous to let me stay with you.  There’s nothing to talk about.”

Spencer is quiet for a moment, and Hanna feels the need to fill the silence.  In a more sincere tone, she says, “I am genuinely very happy for you guys.  I can see how right you are for one another.”

“There’s someone right for you too, Han.”  Spencer leans forward and catches Hanna’s hand in her own.  There’s been a lot of comforting in the last few days, and Hanna’s almost getting sick of it, but she knows Spencer’s just trying to help.

“I know that,” she says, tired but grateful.  “I just wish they’d hurry the hell up.”

“They’re getting here as fast as they can,” Spencer responds, and hearing it from her, Hanna can almost believe it.  “Come on,” Spencer says.  “Let’s go home.” 


	7. Spencer: Part 3

“Okay, so you were totally right,” Hanna admits once they’re about to leave.  “Between the two of us, we were able to make this look work.  Twirl,” she instructs, and Spencer does so.  “Spencer Hastings, you look _hot_!”

Spencer smiles at that.  She feels pretty hot, to be honest.  The dress is navy, with a high neckline, long skirt and short sleeves—certainly not revealing, but tight enough to give a sense of her figure.  Hanna did her makeup and hair (Spencer initially wanted an up-do, but Hanna was able to talk her into long, flowing locks) and the combined effect makes Spencer feel glamorous and a little mysterious.

Hanna, meanwhile, is wearing a capped-sleeved crimson gown with a not-quite-plunging neckline, her hair up in an elaborate twist.  She looks gorgeous, of course, and Spencer tells her so.  “Doesn’t it feel like we’re going to prom?” Hanna whispers once they’re seated in the back of their Uber.  Hanna’s face immediately grows grave, shades of the Dollhouse and the night of Charlotte’s confession surely coming back to her.  “Never mind,” she amends.

Spencer forces a smile.  “Hey, this is better than prom.  Nothing to solve here, just fun.”

Hanna gives her a quizzical look.  “And here I thought that for you, nothing to solve meant no fun.”  

She says it jokingly, but Spencer genuinely considers for a moment.  “I think I’m having a change of heart on that one.”

The benefit, or “party,” as Hanna keeps calling it, is in full-swing by the time they arrive.  It’s as lavish as ever, packed with tons of nicely dressed politicos and plenty of food and liquor.  Spencer is supposed to talk to a few politicians that are scheduled to attend, but after looking around for about forty-five minutes she’s only found one of them.  Hanna gives her a devilish smirk and says, “One little glass of champagne won’t kill you.”  Spencer relents.

One glass turns into three, and a few passed appetizers later Hanna is asking, “What is this party about again?”  They’re camped out at a little table in the back of the room, Hanna not giving a care in the world to her heels while Spencer’s feet are starting to kill her.

“Benefit,” Spencer corrects automatically.  “And I think it’s childhood leukemia.”

“Why would anyone want to support that?” Hanna questions with a slight slur to her words.  She cracks up when Spencer gives her a deadpan look.  “Kidding, Spence.  I know it’s a fundraiser.”  She takes another long swig of her drink and pops a piece of shrimp in her mouth.  Her eyes suddenly get wide and she points to someone across the room.  “That lady is wearing a next season Valentino dress!  How’d she get her hands on that?!”

Spencer glances over to the woman in question.  “That lady is a state senator,” she informs Hanna, biting down on a smile.

“Well, that is one well-connected senator,” Hanna remarks.  “Oh, I’d kill for that woman’s shoes.”  She points in the direction of another woman, but must see Spencer grinning at her because she looks up again.  “What?”

Spencer shakes her head.  She has that feeling in her chest again—the blooming feeling, like when Hanna first arrived—and it seems to be making its way across her face.  “Nothing,” Spencer says.  “I just like being with you.” 

Hanna raises her eyebrows a little warily, but the corners of her mouth are turned up.  “You’ve been awfully mushy since I got here.”

Spencer shrugs.  “What can I say?  I missed you.”  She pauses, trying to get her words together.  The champagne makes it difficult.  “It’s like, when you don’t realize you’re hungry and then you take a bite of food, and you think, how did I not eat until now?  You’re the food, in this metaphor.”

Hanna laughs.  “I got that.  You should really leave the metaphors to Aria.”  She comes closer, linking her arm through Spencer’s and tipping her head to Spencer’s shoulder.  “I missed you too,” she says quietly.  “No matter what happens, with Caleb or anyone else, let’s never lose touch again, okay?”

Spencer nods against the top of Hanna’s head.  “Okay.”

 

A couple of hours and two more glasses each of champagne later, Spencer has found one more politician and decided the rest have bailed.  “Let’s go do something fun,” Hanna suggests.  “We’re all dressed up.”

Spencer gives one last glance around the benefit before nodding.  “Alright, but I need some real food.”

Hanna’s face lights up.  “Oh my god, me too!  Is there a McDonald’s around here?”

Spencer hasn’t had McDonald’s in years, and in this moment it sounds absolutely perfect.  “Yeah, about a block away.”  She looks down at her feet.  “But I don’t know how much longer I can walk in these heels.”

Hanna grins.  “I’ve got you covered,” she says, and with a flourish, produces a pair of ballet flats from her giant purse.  “It kind of ruins your look, but what the hell.”

Spencer’s first thought is that she could kiss Hanna, and then she quickly pushes that thought away.  “Did you grab those from my closet?”  Hanna nods proudly.  “Hanna Marin, you are my savior.”

Hanna does some off-balance hybrid between a courtesy and a bow, and they make their way outside.  Spencer slips into the flats as soon as they’re down the block, and twenty minutes later they’re sitting on a bench outside with two greasy, heavenly bags of food.  “So, where do you want to go?” Spencer asks around a mouthful of Big Mac.

“Dancing?” Hanna suggests.  “I mean, you have the shoes for it now.”

Spencer chuckles.  “I haven’t been dancing in forever.  You think our dresses will be okay?”

“Sure.”  Hanna sighs, seeming to realize something.  “I don’t really feel like batting a bunch of guys away from my ass tonight, though.”  She pauses, considering.  “Are there any lesbian bars around here?”

Spencer nearly chokes on her French fry.  “What?”

Hanna shrugs.  “I mean, yes, I am catnip to lesbians, but I don’t really mind that.”  She smirks at Spencer.  “As long as it won’t turn you on too much.”

Spencer flushes and bats a hand at Hanna.  “Oh shut up about that.  Why not a gay bar?”

“I don’t want man-sweat on my dress,” Hanna says like it’s obvious.  “Besides, I’ve been to gay bars.  I’ve never been to a lesbian one.”

Spencer considers for a moment, before remembering something.  “Wait a minute, that’s not true!  You went to a lesbian bar that time you were following Shana!”

Hanna whips around.  “You knew about that?!  Well, it was not fun, let me tell you.  It was a _stake-out_!”  Hanna says it with such conviction that Spencer has to laugh hysterically.

“God, our teenage years were really weird,” she remarks.  She glances around, reorienting herself.  “I think there’s a lesbian bar not too far away.  I can get an Uber.”

“How far is it?” Hanna asks.  “Because it’s kinda nice being outside.”

Spencer checks on her phone.  “Only about a ten minute walk.  If you’re okay in those heels, I’m fine to walk.”

Hanna stands up and spins around.  “Baby, I could _live_ in these heels!” she announces, and Spencer isn’t sure why but she feels a little jolt in her stomach at the use of the word “baby.”  Probably all the champagne.

She stands to join Hanna.  “To the lesbian bar it is!”

Hanna giggles and links her arm through Spencer’s again.  Spencer leans in closer, enjoying the contact.  “I wonder if they have pink drinks,” Hanna muses.

“What’s a pink drink?” Spencer asks, and Hanna doesn’t stop laughing until they’re halfway down the block.

 


	8. Hanna: Part 4

The bar seems to be pretty popular, though after the crowded event they just came from it doesn’t feel too busy at all.  Hanna is aware that they probably seem slightly ridiculous: two not-gay ladies in super formalwear with breath smelling of French fries, standing in this very chill lesbian bar.  She doesn’t care.  She just wants to dance with Spencer.

The music is something unrecognizable and electronic, but too slow to qualify as clubby.  There’s a handful of people dancing in the middle of the bar, one couple that’s pretty much dry-humping, and the rest just dancing closely.  Okay, _very_ closely.  It’s admittedly pretty hot.

“C’mon,” Hanna says, tugging Spencer toward her before Spencer can second-guess this.  Hanna expects some pushback, but receives none; Spencer lets herself be led to the dance floor.  Hanna isn’t really sure the right way for them to go about this, but Spencer seems to have an idea, wrapping her arms around Hanna’s waist loosely.  Hanna in turn wraps her arms around Spencer’s neck.  “So you’re the guy here?” she asks with a smirk.

Spencer nods confidently.  “Oh yeah.  Of the two of us?  I am definitely the guy.”

Hanna tilts her head, thinking about that.  “Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty accurate.”

They dance like that for a while—more of a sway, really, than a dance.  Spencer spins Hanna at one point and it makes Hanna giggle.  The song switches to something more upbeat and they separate, but still stay close to one another.  Just when Hanna starts to feel out of breath a slow song comes back on and they reconnect again.

Hanna studies Spencer’s face for a moment.  She doesn’t know if her face has ever been this close to Spencer’s, and she’s noticing all sorts of things: the little freckles on Spencer’s cheek, the richness of her eyes, the way her mouth rests in this captivating little half-smile.  Spencer must feel uncomfortable with the staring because she glances down after a moment.  “Sorry,” Hanna mutters, too quiet for Spencer to hear over the sound of the music.

“Hey, I have another question for you,” Spencer says after a beat.

“What’s that?” Hanna responds, grateful for some conversation to break the suddenly thick atmosphere between them.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.  But when you’re thinking about the person who you’d like to date next, or even just sleep with, do you have a gender in mind?”  Spencer speaks very diplomatically, pausing between her words as though she wants to get them just right.

Hanna smiles.  “You’re kind of hung up on this whole woman versus man thing, aren’t you?”  When Spencer looks a bit defensive, Hanna moves a hand from the back of Spencer’s neck to squeeze her shoulder reassuringly.  “Relax, I’m just giving you shit.  The truth is, I’m not ready to date anyone.  Sleeping with someone is one thing, but I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

“That makes total sense,” Spencer says, but something has shifted in her eyes.  Hanna might have just imagined it.

“But when I do?” Hanna continues.  “When I do I think I’ll keep my options open.  I don’t want to limit myself.”  Hanna sighs.  There’s nothing like alcohol and conversation with one of her closest friends to make her get real.  “That’s always been my problem, I think.  Working so hard to define myself.  Never just letting myself _be_.”

Spencer smiles a bit sadly.  “Yeah, that sounds familiar.”  Hanna holds her gaze for a beat, and this time, Spencer doesn’t look away.  They continue looking at each other, really looking, as the song plays on.  It’s the sort of intimate interaction that would be totally weird with someone she didn’t trust.  But Hanna trusts Spencer, completely.

The song changes to something loud and annoying, and Hanna feels like their little bubble has been burst.  “Wanna get a drink?” she suggests, breaking apart from Spencer quickly.

“Yeah!” Spencer responds with a shade too much enthusiasm.  She puts her hands behind her back as though she doesn’t know what to do with them.  Hanna feels the same way.  “My treat.  You got the burgers.”

Hanna thanks Spencer, then realizes as they start to walk how badly she has to pee.  “Y’know what?  I’ll meet you at the bar.  Just get me whatever you’re having.  Gotta go to the bathroom.”

Spencer nods.  “I’ll ask about pink drinks,” she calls after Hanna.

As Hanna’s making her way back from the bathroom, she sees Spencer wedged against the side of the bar, a woman trying to chat her up.  Spencer doesn’t exactly look uncomfortable, but she doesn’t look happy either.  The woman is very tall and appears to have an awful haircut, at least from the back.  Hanna moves around behind her, making brief eye contact with Spencer, who’s clearly trying to get a word in edgewise.  

Hanna slides up against Spencer’s side and wraps an arm around her waist.  “Hey baby!” she says loudly.  “I couldn’t find you anywhere!”  She makes a real show of pressing her body against Spencer’s, and Spencer is quick to wrap an arm around her shoulders.  “I missed you,” Hanna whines, rubbing her cheek into Spencer’s collarbone.

The woman raises her eyebrows.  “I didn’t realize you were on a date,” she directs to Spencer, sounding annoyed.

“Not just a date,” Hanna announces.  “We’re here celebrating our anniversary.”

“You’re celebrating it here?  In this crummy bar?” the woman says dubiously.

“Mmm hmm,” Spencer chimes in.  “This is where we met.”

The woman rolls her eyes.  “Well, happy anniversary,” she says, before moving down along to the other side of the bar.

Hanna giggles into Spencer’s side, and Spencer starts laughing along with her.  Hanna expects Spencer to immediately put space between their bodies, but she doesn’t.  Hanna’s glad for this; Spencer is warm and surprisingly soft.  “I don’t think that that ‘happy anniversary’ was genuine,” Hanna snickers.

“No!” Spencer says with mock outrage.  “Surely it was!”  She looks down at Hanna.  “Who wouldn’t be happy for us?”  Hanna knows she’s joking, but Spencer’s voice comes out almost as a whisper.  

Hanna is instantly aware of just how close they are.  She can actually feel Spencer’s breath on her lips as she speaks.  In her heels she’s nearly as tall as Spencer, and Hanna has the sudden and inexplainable desire to reach forward and press her mouth against Spencer’s.  They’re surrounded by dozens of people in this noisy bar, but Hanna doesn’t register any of that.  All she knows is Spencer.

“Spence,” Hanna exhales.  “Can we go outside?”  There are a lot of reasons why kissing Spencer would be a bad idea.  Even though right now she can’t really think of any of them, she knows that they shouldn’t.  

Spencer is logical.  Maybe she can remind Hanna.  This is probably all in Hanna’s head anyway.

But then Hanna realizes that Spencer is trembling, so perhaps she feels it too.  “Yeah,” she whispers.  She slowly breaks apart from Hanna, but Hanna automatically catches Spencer’s hand in her own.  They make their way through the bar and outside silently, moving to a little alcove near the front door.

Hanna turns to face Spencer.  “What’s going on?” she asks, voice a bit frayed.

Spencer shakes her head, and Hanna thinks she sees tears in her eyes.  Their bodies are close—they’re forced to be, in this small space—but not as close as they were in the bar.  “I don’t know.”

Hanna looks down at their hands, still clasped together, then back at Spencer’s face.  “I feel like something is happening and I don’t know what it is.”  It’s not her most eloquent statement, but it sums up enough of what she feels.

Spencer smiles at that.  “The sad thing is I know exactly what you mean,” she says, and yeah, those are definitely tears in her voice.  Spencer is shaking, almost imperceptibly, and looks exhausted.  Hanna has never found her more beautiful.

“Spencer, I want to kiss you,” Hanna says simply, because what else is she going to say?

Spencer closes her eyes slowly, and when she opens them tears flow freely down her cheeks.  “I want to kiss you too,” she admits.  “But I don’t know what to do with that.”

There’s a heavy beat then, one where Hanna very nearly pushes Spencer against the concrete wall about three or four times.  But she doesn’t.  Because she isn’t the other woman, and she isn’t ready, and Spencer is her best friend.  Because it isn’t the right thing to do.  Even in her drunken, lesbian bar haze, Hanna knows it isn’t the right thing to do.

She’s broken out of her contemplation by a low buzzing coming from somewhere in Spencer’s purse.  Hanna feels a wave of nausea come over her; they both know who it most likely is.  Spencer reaches into her purse and wordlessly holds up her phone.

It’s Caleb.


	9. Caleb: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the hiatus. Between that mess of a finale and the busyness of life, it's been hard to work on this the past couple of weeks. But I'm happy to be back! Let's check in with Caleb.

It’s probably up there as one of his worst nightmares: Caleb hasn’t heard from Spencer all night (unusual—he’d expected a play-by-play of the entire evening), and when he finally calls her, she’s clearly been crying.  But she’s using her trying-to-sound-casual voice, which means she’s lying about something.  And that makes him feel worse, because they never lie to each other, about anything.  Not anymore.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asks immediately when her voice cracks over her greeting.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” she insists.  Caleb hears some loud laughter behind her—uncharacteristic for the stuffy event that should have ended a couple of hours ago.

“Where are you?” he asks.  He gets up from the desk chair in his hotel room and starts pacing.  It’s a habit that comes almost as naturally as breathing, though one he hasn’t done in quite some time.  He hasn’t needed to. 

“I’m at a bar with Hanna,” Spencer explains, words a bit more steady.  “We were just leaving, actually.”

“Did you guys get in a fight or something?”  They’ve been getting along really well, as far as he can tell.  Better than he expected, to be sure.  After their last interactions in Rosewood, Caleb had anticipated at least some awkwardness, if not outright hostility, between them—not over him, exactly.  The strain between the two women ultimately wasn’t about him; it was about their friendship.  But those concerns had been entirely unwarranted.  Or so he thought.

“No, not a fight,” Spencer says slowly.  She sounds very deliberate, and Caleb realizes that Hanna must be within earshot.  

He sighs, bringing a hand up over his brow.  He’s tired—he’s been up since five thirty for this tech expo—and getting this story piecemeal is starting to grate.  At the same time, he’s worried about Spencer.  He’s worried about Hanna too.  Something is wrong, something is off, and not knowing what it is makes it that much worse.  “Can you tell me why you sound like you’ve been crying?” Caleb asks, sounding more pleading than he intends to.

Spencer exhales audibly.  He thinks she might shift the phone to her other ear.  She’s quiet for a long moment, and when she speaks again her tone sounds fragile, but measured.  “I can’t tell you right now, but I will when I see you, okay?”

Caleb feels a flare of annoyance rising up within him, but the sense of unease is stronger.  “Okay,” he replies finally.  What else can he say?  Spencer has always been very good at telling people exactly what she wants them to know, and no more.  He thought they were past sharing the truth selectively with one another—they _were_  past that, he’s sure of it—but apparently he’ll need to be patient for this one. 

He’ll wait for Spencer.  He’s done it before, and she’s been worth it every time.

 

When he arrives home two days later, Caleb doesn’t know what to expect.  He’s flashed to all sorts of images, most involving Spencer and Hanna both in tears, throwing things across the room.  What greets him instead is Spencer busying herself in the kitchen, putting away dishes and setting out fresh ones for dinner.  Hanna is nowhere in sight.  

“Hey babe,” he says a little cautiously, setting his duffel bag down and closing the door.

Spencer looks up and smiles, though it doesn’t reach her eyes.  “Hi,” she says, moving toward him quickly and pulling him into a hug.  “I missed you,” she murmurs into his jacket.  He hugs her back, and she doesn’t let go right away.  The moment feels heavy, and as he pulls back Caleb knows he must have a questioning look on his face, because Spencer immediately says, “I owe you an explanation.”

He nods.  The whole trip back his mind was buzzing with curiosity, but now that she’s actually about to tell him what’s going on Caleb isn’t certain he wants the truth.  Spencer leads him over to the couch, and it’s only then that he notices it’s no longer pulled out into a bed.

“Where’s Hanna?” he asks, pretty sure he already knows the answer.

Spencer sits down next to him, and when she shrugs he can see that she’s fighting back tears.  “Hanna’s gone.  And the reason why is what I need to talk to you about.”

Caleb furrows his brow, confused once more.  “Okay.”

Spencer looks down at her hands and takes a large, shaky breath.  She blinks rapidly, then finally turns her gaze back to him.  She looks so young, so vulnerable, that he just wants to wrap his jacket around her and tell her that everything is okay.  “Hanna and I aren’t fighting.”  She smiles sadly.  “In fact, we’re the opposite of fighting.  And that’s why she had to leave.”

“What do you mean?” Caleb asks, utterly perplexed.

“Caleb,” Spencer sighs.  “Hanna and I nearly kissed the other night.  And it wasn’t because we were drunk or someone dared us to, or something stupid like that.  I wanted to very badly, and so did she.”

It is honestly the last thing Caleb expected her to tell him.  He’s speechless, totally unsure of what to do with that information.  Spencer studies him carefully, seeming to want to explain more.  “I don’t know what to make of this either,” she murmurs finally.  “I’m sorry.”

Caleb nods.  He still doesn’t know what to think, much less what to say.  He leans back against the couch and closes his eyes.

Where the hell do they go from here?


	10. Spencer: Part 4

To his credit, Caleb is very careful in the way he responds to her.  He doesn’t yell or ask a million questions.  Instead he sits quietly for a few moments, contemplating.  In a way that makes it harder, makes Spencer feel that much worse for even thinking of kissing someone else.  As soon as he leans forward to take her hand, she starts to tremble, and as he begins to speak she finds herself tearing up.  

God, she’s so fucking sick of crying.

“Spence,” Caleb murmurs, sounding both confused and hurt.  “Why did you…”  He trails off then, but his point comes across.  _Why did you want to kiss someone else?  Why did you want to kiss_ Hanna _?  Why did you tell me?  Why did you do this to me?_

Spencer exhales shakily, finding a small bit of comfort in the weight of Caleb’s hand on her own.  “I could try to explain it away as something fleeting, but the truth is I felt an attraction to Hanna.  I can’t really explain it.”  She sniffs, remembering the nearly silent car ride home after their night out, followed by the quick, painful process of helping Hanna pack up her things.  Neither one of them dared speak about what this all meant, about the real reason Hanna had to go.  They both just knew that she couldn’t stay.

“Try,” Caleb instructs, not unkindly.

Spencer nods.  She owes him that much.  “Okay,” she says.  “Well, I think part of it had to do with the fact that I missed her, and you weren’t there—and I am _not_ blaming you for that, it’s just part of the explanation.  She and I were together, just the two of us, for the first time in years.  And she was telling me about—oh.”  

There it is: another piece of the story that she’s lied about (or omitted—perhaps that’s the better word).  The Mona of it all.  Spencer doesn’t know if it’s exactly the catalyst to her attraction to Hanna; she just knows that once that seed was planted—not even the Hanna-Mona seed, but the Hanna- _girl_ seed—she couldn’t focus on much else.

“What?” Caleb prompts.

Spencer bites her lip, studying Caleb, before deciding that it all needs to come out now, once and for all.  “There’s another part of the story.”  She hesitates briefly, then says in a rush, “Hanna slept with Mona.  Before she came here.  And for some reason when she told me I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  It was like she’d opened a door to a world I’d never considered before.  Suddenly I was imagining—”  She cuts herself off, realizing how that sounds.  “Well, it helped shape the attraction, I guess you could say."

She’s barely dared to look at Caleb through all of this, and when she does his ears are red.  He doesn’t look angry, exactly, but more stunned than ever.  Spencer knows how he feels about Mona, and she realizes that there’s a funny bit of irony to this situation: Spencer has always assumed that Caleb hates Mona because of her attraction to Hanna, and now he and Hanna have split, but Hanna is attracted to his current girlfriend, and on top of that has also slept with Mona.  Spencer could almost laugh if she wasn’t stuck in the middle of it.

Caleb pulls his hand away, and Spencer immediately feels colder.  He rubs his brow, as though his brain has started to ache from this barrage of bombshells she’s throwing at him.  She's sure he probably has a lot of thoughts about Mona, but instead he asks, “Is this about…experimentation?  You wanting to sleep with a woman?”  Spencer could choose to take offense at that but she doesn’t.  She knows that he’s only trying to make sense of this as best he can, and besides, it’s a question she herself has been turning over for the last week or so.

“Maybe a little,” Spencer answers honestly.  “But I think it’s pretty Hanna-specific.”  She doesn’t like saying that, because it makes it sound like she’s entirely hung up on Hanna.  Which in a sense she is, but that isn’t going to comfort Caleb.  It doesn’t comfort her, either.  But she’s working hard to reaffirm her mental vow to Caleb: no more lies.

Caleb turns to face her.  He looks tired and a little pained, but not upset.  “So what do you want to do?” he asks.

Spencer tries to smile, and she must be somewhat successful because he actually smiles back.  “I want to love you,” she replies, not caring if it sounds cliched.  It’s the truth.  She loves him so much, and the knowledge that she’s the source of this discomfort is killing her.

Caleb is quiet, glancing down at her hands and then back up to her face.  “Okay, but if you’re unhappy—”

“I’m not,” she interjects.

“But if you _are_ , or if you start feeling that way, tell me, okay?”

Spencer nods.  “Okay.”

 

Over the next couple of weeks, they fall back into their normal routine, although it’s not without its awkwardness.  Both of them are pointedly not talking about Hanna or Mona.  Spencer hasn’t heard from Hanna since her brief “I arrived home safely” text.  She’s pretty sure that Hanna hasn’t mentioned anything about D.C. to Aria or Emily, so she keeps quiet as well.

Work is extremely busy, for her and Caleb both, and it’s a welcome distraction.  In her few moments of downtime, Spencer contemplates that idea of unhappiness that Caleb brought up.  She isn’t unhappy with him, she’s certain of that.  Even when she wanted to kiss Hanna, it wasn’t because of being unhappy with Caleb.  She loves him wholeheartedly, thinks of him completely as her partner.  Though they’ve only been living together for just over two months, Spencer can’t imagine her apartment without Caleb in it.

But then why, she wonders, was she so drawn to Hanna?  Happy people don’t want to cheat.  And yet, the idea of being with Hanna didn’t feel like cheating.  It felt like something else entirely.  When Spencer thought about pulling Hanna against her in that dingy club, of kissing her and running a hand through her long blonde hair, it felt like...like coming home.

And that makes her feel like the shittiest person on Earth.

The annoying thing is how much she finds herself missing Hanna.  Even though she was only their guest for a couple of weeks, Spencer got kind of used to having her around.  They’d fold laundry together and watch bad T.V. on the evenings Caleb had to work late.  Spencer forgot how much fun it was to have a girl friend around.  Not a girlfriend, but a friend who was a girl.  A friend who was a girl who Spencer wanted to kiss.  Jesus.

But it wasn’t just having a girl friend around; it was having _Hanna_ around.  One afternoon when Spencer’s really missing her, she gives Emily a call.  Ten minutes in she tries to casually work Hanna into the conversation.  “Oh, she’s having a hard time,” Emily tells her.  “This break-up has been really hard on her.  And she was totally M.I.A. for a couple of weeks.”  

Spencer of course knows why but says nothing.  She hangs up feeling worse than before she called, heart aching for Hanna, in all the ways that it can.


	11. Caleb: Part 3

Fall folds into winter, leaves become crisp and drift away, and everything goes back to normal.  Except not really, because Spencer is sad but pretending not to be, and they’re having sex way less frequently (which is okay—Caleb isn’t exactly a horn-dog—but it’s kind of a bummer and definitely odd), and Caleb knows that she isn’t reaching out to her friends like she used to.

He tries to talk to Spencer about it, and she’s not totally shut down or anything, but she keeps repeating the same phrase: “I’m just going through something.”  Caleb gets that, in a way; he remembers the months following his return from Ravenswood, when the world just always seemed a bit grayer.  But now being on the other side of it, he’s flummoxed.  Hanna knew what to do with him then.  She always knew what to do.

He isn’t angry at Hanna, though part of him feels like he should be.  Mostly he’s concerned—not about she and Spencer, but about Hanna herself.  He finds his mind drifting to her frequently, wondering how she’s doing or what she’s up to.  Her absence from their life wasn’t particularly noticeable before, but after having her around for two weeks and then having her be suddenly, sharply gone, Caleb finds that he misses her.  She’s an easy one to miss.

And he’s finding something else too, something that feels a little gross and definitely embarrassing to admit, so he’s firmly kept it to himself, but: the seed that Spencer planted about she and Hanna has taken root, and Caleb is having a hell of a time letting it go.  He’s not having full-blown fantasies—his thoughts would have to be more intentional for that—but he’s certainly having a lot of images flashing through his brain uninvited: sometimes of just Spencer and Hanna, but more often than not of the three of them together.  More than once he’s woken up with a start from dreams containing such images, drenched in sweat and hard as a rock.

Caleb considers talking to Spencer about it, but he doesn’t know what he’d say.  It feels like Hanna is a ghost haunting their relationship, and if Caleb knows one thing about ghosts it’s that they need to be confronted.  So one evening when he knows Spencer will be working late, he does just that.  He calls up his ghost.

She answers on the third ring, surprise evident in her voice as she says his name.  “Hey Hanna,” he responds.  “How’s it going?”

“Um, fine, I guess,” she replies.  “How’s it going for you?”

“Good,” Caleb says too quickly, then reevaluates.  This is Hanna.  Once upon a time she knew everything about him, and everything about Spencer too.  “Actually, kinda shitty,” he amends.

Hanna sighs, and he guesses she’s probably bracing for impact.  Although who knows, she might have no idea what Spencer told him.  As far as he can tell, they’ve barely spoken since Hanna left.  “I’m sorry,” she says carefully.  “Why’s that?”

Caleb has to smirk a little at that.  Hanna’s never been a great liar, and it comes through in her question.  He considers snarking back at her in return, throwing it in her face that he knows all about her relations with Mona and Spencer, but decides against that.  The truth is, he feels no resentment toward her.  He’s searched his soul to find some, and come up empty.  “Spencer misses you,” he replies honestly.  “And so do I.”

Hanna is silent for a moment.  When she speaks again, Caleb can tell that she’s trying not to cry.  “I miss you guys too,” she says quietly, before taking a big breath.  “What did Spencer tell you about why I left?”

He has his answer down pat: “She said that an attraction was forming between you guys, and you knew you couldn’t stay.”  There’s no point in acting coy now; this conversation was an inevitability anyway.  It’s not like Caleb was never going to talk to Hanna again.

“That about sums it up,” Hanna says.  “Do you know about me and Mona?”  There’s a sliver of fear in her voice now, and Caleb feels a pang of guilt.  It’s true that he’s never been Mona’s biggest fan, but the idea that Hanna would be nervous of his reaction is sobering.  Who is he to judge her, really?

“Yeah, I know.  You were going through a hard time.”  He could say more, could ask questions, but she doesn’t owe him an explanation.

Hanna is quiet again, and Caleb lets his mind drift to imagining what she might have been doing when he called.  Probably getting home from work, given the time.  Maybe picking up some food from that Chinese place they always liked.  He isn’t sure if she goes there anymore.  “Why aren’t you mad at me?” she finally asks.

Caleb shrugs, then realizes she can’t see him.  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he replies.  He hesitates.  There’s more he wants to say but figuring out how to put it may be a challenge.  “I think if I didn’t still care about you, it would be easier for me to justify being angry.”

“But you do still care about me,” Hanna fills in.

“Yeah,” he breathes out.  “I do.  So I’m mostly just kind of sad.  I wish we could all be friends, but I understand that—” he pauses and chuckles, “Will you kill me if I say that it’s complicated?”

Hanna laughs, loudly and tearily.  “Oh my god, I’m actually surprised it’s taken you that long to say it.”  Her laughter dies down and she snuffles a little.  “It’s always going to be complicated, isn’t it?”

“Maybe not always,” Caleb replies hopefully.  He glances down at his watch, realizing that he needs to start dinner.  “I should let you go.  Goodnight, Han.”  The nickname feels comfortable back in his mouth.

“Goodnight, Caleb,” Hanna says, before quickly tacking on, “You can call again, y’know.  I didn’t mean to drop off the face of the earth.”  She sucks in a breath.  "And I still care about you too."

Caleb blinks.  “Okay,” he says before hanging up the phone.  He lets out a long exhale, and decides right then and there that if Hanna is a ghost, maybe being haunted isn’t so bad.


	12. Hanna: Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short little Hanna chapter before the next section, which will be a bit different. Also, I just mapped out Aria's story in this universe, and am excited to eventually share it!

If Hanna thought her New York life was lonely post-Jordan, it’s that tenfold post-D.C.  (She won’t let herself think “post-Mona” or “post-Spencer,” or even “post-Caleb.”  It’s too sad.  “Post-D.C.” feels safer.)

Winter is beautiful, but harsh, not quite the Christmas card winters of Rosewood.  Hanna’s always liked New York winters, has felt like every morning is cool and bright with possibility.  But this year the cold seems to seep into her bones and stay there, unyielding.  

She has a new version of this same job of hers, though this one involves a bit less fetching of coffees and a bit more actual design work.  It’s progress, but not much, though it might feel more fulfilling if Hanna had other things going on in her life.  Emily is worried about her; Hanna can tell every time they talk.  “I know it’s only been—what, six months?—since you and Jordan broke up.  But have you considered dating?” Emily posits gently during one of their weekly chats.  

The answer to that is a resounding no, and Hanna tells her as much.  “I understand,” Emily replies.  “It takes a while to get over something like that.”  Her voice falters a bit, and Hanna wonders briefly if she’s thinking of Alison.  “Still thinking about him a lot?”

“Yes,” Hanna lies.  In actuality, she’s thought of Jordan very little since D.C.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  She still thinks of him whenever she passes by certain restaurants or museums, remembering the stories he told her and the food they ate.  But emotionally, she feels untangled from him.  If that isn’t a sign that them splitting was a good idea, she doesn’t know what is.

Hanna’s thoughts have instead been preoccupied by Spencer and Caleb, and the horrible mixture of guilt and yearning that forever seems to stew in her stomach these days.  And it’s not just them; she misses their city.  Not so much what it had to offer, but being someplace different.  These difficult months have turned into something of a realization, and though she hates to admit it the truth gets harder and harder to avoid: Hanna is ready to leave New York.  She’s tired of these meaningless jobs, tired of a city drowned in the nostalgia of two failed relationships, tired of never being alone but always feeling lonely.  She longs to be somewhere—anywhere—else.  

Well, not _anywhere_.  She longs to be in a place with two specific people.

At first Hanna thought it was just Spencer.  She thought that perhaps her Jordan breakup had pushed her down some sort of weird bicurious wormhole; that maybe her brain and body needed a break from men and were conspiring together to make Hanna feel attracted to women from her past.  First Mona, then Spencer: there was a certain logic to it. 

But it wasn’t that.  For one thing, Hanna has recognized that she’s well past bicurious and pretty clearly bisexual.  Or pansexual, or something.  Whatever, the label doesn’t matter to her and neither does this sudden revelation.  So she’s into girls too—so what?

But it wasn’t just a sex thing, at least not with Spencer—and it wasn’t just her, either.  Being around Caleb again, being with Spencer _and_ Caleb in their apartment, Hanna felt more at home than she had in a long time.  They were both familiar and new, and knowing them as a couple felt like meeting them for the first time, in a way.

And there was another thing too.  Caleb and Spencer were damn hot together.  They certainly didn’t engage in any P.D.A. around her besides the briefest of pecks, but when Hanna heard them through the wall at night, her initial spark of annoyance quickly became something else.  She found herself suddenly, inexplicably turned on, and was actually disappointed on the nights they didn’t have sex.

So Hanna didn’t really know what to do with that, still doesn’t know what to do with any of it, and is at home one afternoon in late February mulling this predicament over for the hundredth time when there’s a knock at her door.  She isn’t expecting anyone, and for half a second she jolts in excitement at the thought it could be Spencer or Caleb.

It isn’t either of them.  It’s her mother.


	13. Interlude: Ashley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for something a little different.

Ashley hasn't seen Hanna since she helped her move right after the breakup, and she’s dismayed to discover that her daughter doesn’t look much happier than she did seven months ago.  Hanna doesn’t have the same shell-shocked, I-just-broke-off-my-engagement look about her (Ashley _knows_ that look); rather, her unhappiness seems lived-in, as though it’s just become a part of Hanna’s personality.  That’s much more worrisome to Ashley.  Hanna’s always been good at picking herself up from heartbreak—Ashley knows it’s a trait her daughter inherited from her—but the idea that her very nature could be permanently altered is terrifying.

Hanna invites Ashley in with a surprised hug, and Ashley knows her daughter well enough to recognize that she was hoping for someone else.  All the same, when Ashley whispers, “I’m so happy to see you,” into her hair Hanna whispers back, “Me too.”  Ashley smiles; Hanna has no idea.  Living without Hanna is something she’s gotten used to, but there are still days when a wave of nostalgia will hit her out of nowhere, and Ashley will find herself nearly in tears.

“How are you, honey?” Ashley asks once they’ll settled on the couch.  Ashley loves that couch—they picked it out together and the fabric is almost the exact same color as Hanna’s eyes.

Hanna forces a smile and breathes out sharply.  “I’m good,” she says.  Ashley quirks an eyebrow.  All these years later and Hanna still can’t successfully lie to her.  Hanna keeps up the charade for one more beat before deflating.  “Okay, I’m not so good.”

Ashley sighs and leans forward to cover Hanna’s hand with her own.  “Is this about Jordan?”

Hanna tilts her head and wrinkles her nose, as though to keep from crying.  It’s a move Ashley has seen on her since childhood, when Hanna would try to stand up to Alison and end up fighting back tears.  Eventually she stopped trying.  “No, it’s not about him.  Or…maybe it’s about him, but not really.  Really, it’s about me.”  Her voice sounds so small, clouded with shame.  Ashley hasn’t heard her speak like that in years.

“What’s about you?” Ashley asks.

Hanna raises her gaze to meet Ashley’s.  “I’m lonely here,” she admits softly.  “I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, and I feel like I don’t fit in.”

“Come home,” Ashley says automatically, even as a part of her knows it’s not the solution.

Hanna shakes her head.  “No, I can’t go back to Rosewood.  I don’t _want_ to go back to Rosewood.”  She takes a large breath.  “I want to go to Washington D.C.”

Ashley squints, puzzled.  “You want to get into politics?”  She means it as a joke, though nothing would surprise her where Hanna is concerned.

Hanna is quiet for a long moment.  Ashley tries to do the calculations as she waits for a reply.  Mona is in D.C.  So are Spencer and Caleb.  Why Hanna would want to be near them is a mystery.  Anytime Ashley has inquired about any one of the three in the last few months Hanna has completely shut down.

Finally Hanna speaks again.  “Spencer and Caleb are there,” she says slowly, and okay, maybe Ashley has this whole situation backwards.

“Here I thought that would be a point in the con column,” she remarks.

Hanna grins slightly, though it’s completely devoid of humor.  “I would have thought that too.  But I ended up visiting them after my breakup, and things are different than I expected.”

“Okay…” Ashley replies, feeling like she’s about five steps behind.  “Are you missing Caleb?”

Hanna pulls her hand from Ashley’s, huffing out a breath.  “No, Mom, I’m missing them both,” she says with mild exasperation.  “I’m—God—I have _feelings_ for them both!”

Ashley sits up a little straighter, her eyebrows rising of their own accord.  “Oh!” she chirps in surprise.  “Well, wow.”  Hanna can’t even look at her, appears to be seconds from a tearful meltdown.  “Hey, it’s okay.”  Ashley leans forward to touch her but Hanna recoils.  Ashley scans the room, looking for something of comfort for either of them.  Well, one thing in particular. 

“Hanna, do you have any wine?”

 

The wine helps—if you ask Ashley, wine _always_ helps—though Hanna still hasn't really said anything since her sudden confession.  Ashley doesn’t want to push, but at the same time she can see her daughter is hurting, and wants to help.

“I didn’t even ask why you’re here,” Hanna comments, clutching her glass in one hand and some crumbled tissues in the other.

“I’m actually looking at hotels.  The Radley has been so successful we’re talking about franchising, and having one in New York would be a major coup,” Ashley explains.  It’s all true, and Ashley is very grateful that it is, but getting the opportunity to check in with Hanna was a major bonus of this trip.

Hanna smiles just a little.  “I’m happy for you.”  Her brow furrows.  “But why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

Ashley hesitates, setting down her glass.  She supposes now is the time for the truth.  “Honestly, honey, I was worried about you.  The last few times we’ve talked you’ve sounded really lost.  I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me if I gave you a warning.”  She sighs.  “I guess it wasn’t fair of me to barge in like this.  I didn’t mean to invade your space.”

Hanna touches her arm lightly.  “I’m glad you did.  I think I would have exploded into a million pieces if I hadn’t told someone about…”  She doesn’t finish her sentence.  She doesn’t have to.

Ashley studies her daughter for a moment.  “Are we going to talk about it?” she asks gently.  “I want to be here for you.”

Hanna shrugs.  “There isn’t much to talk about.  I don’t think I ever really fell out of love with Caleb, but something…developed, I guess you could say, when I was around Spencer.  And now I can’t stop thinking about either of them.”

Ashley takes this all in, working hard to keep her face neutral.  A part of her has always sort of known that Hanna might be bisexual, and Ashley has absolutely no problem with that.  She really has no problem with _this_ either, whatever this is, but she can’t deny that it’s unexpected.  “Do you think your feelings are reciprocated?” she asks in a measured tone.

Hanna gives her a quick, stunned look, as though she imagined more surprise or possibly upset.  Ashley smiles in what she hopes is a comforting way.  “I think it might be,” Hanna answers.  “But what does that mean?  I don’t want to tear them apart.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t be,” Ashley replies.  “It’s not unheard of.”  She feels like she’s way out of her wheelhouse here, but being Hanna’s mom has put her in that position more than once.

“What, a three-person relationship?”  Hanna says it a bit too quickly, and Ashley wonders how long she’s been mulling that phrase over.

Ashley nods.  “I’ve heard they can be very successful.”  Hanna looks dubious and Ashley is at a bit of a loss, so she decides to change course.  “Look, Hanna, you could have married Jordan, just like I could have married Ted.  But there is a reason both of us ultimately changed our minds, and you know why?”

Hanna shakes her head and Ashley continues, “It’s because we were trying to be people we weren’t, and we were trying to build futures with people who didn’t know who we really were.  After I broke up with Ted, I thought long and hard about my decision, and I realized that I made it because I didn’t want to put myself into a box I didn’t belong in.”  She leans forward, grasping Hanna’s hand.  “You said once that I didn’t like Jordan, and you weren’t wrong.  I _did_ like Jordan, but I didn’t like him for you, and I think the reason why is because I saw you doing with Jordan exactly what I was trying to do with Ted.”

Ashley notices Hanna’s eyes starting to shimmer again, and she can feel her own voice getting a little rough with tears, but she presses on, “You deserve to be with someone—or, who knows, maybe someones—who love and appreciate who you truly are.  I never want you to feel like you have to change for anyone.  Spencer and Caleb…they _know_ you.  They know you almost as well as I do.  And if they can see what I see…”  Ashley pauses, raising a hand to wipe at her eyes.  “Well, I couldn’t ask for anyone better for you.”

Hanna scoots forward and pulls Ashley into a tight hug.  “I love you, Mom,” she whispers.

“I love you too, Hanna,” Ashley murmurs into her shoulder.  “And I know that if you want to, you can do this.”

 


	14. Spencer: Part 5

It’s the first week of spring when Spencer gets the call.  She’s just getting home from work, slipping out of her incredibly uncomfortable heels and opening windows in the suddenly humid apartment, when her phone rings.

It’s Hanna.

They haven’t spoken at all since the night Hanna left, have texted maybe a total of three times.  Spencer hasn’t heard Hanna’s voice for nearly eight months.  

She doesn’t hesitate to answer.  “Hi,” Spencer breathes into the phone.

“Hi,” Hanna replies.  “How are you?”  She sounds cautious, and Spencer can relate.  

“I’m okay,” Spencer replies honestly.  Things have been relatively good, considering.  She feels like she and Caleb are getting back into the groove of things, although nothing has felt quite the same ever since Hanna left.  Spencer still doesn’t know how to talk to him about it, but she’s been trying.  “How are you?”

There’s a brief silence, one in which Spencer fears that Hanna has decided reaching out is a terrible idea and hung up on her, but then Hanna says, “I’m moving to D.C.  I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

“What?” Spencer breathes out.  Her heart starts hammering madly.

“I’ve been really unhappy here, and I was really happy when I was in D.C.  I mean, sort of happy.  One of the designers I’ve worked with here recommended me for a job.  It’s doesn’t pay much, but it’s step in the right direction.”  Hanna says this all in a rush, as though she thinks Spencer might cut her off.

She has no need to worry.  Spencer doesn’t know what to say.  “But I don’t have to move if—if you don’t want me around,” Hanna adds.  

“I do want you around,” Spencer quickly assures her.  She takes a deep breath, trying to steady her suddenly trembling body.  “If moving here will make you happy, D.C. would be lucky to have you.”  She pauses, considering her next sentence carefully before deciding to just go for it: “ _We’d_ be lucky to have you.”

“Great,” Hanna says with relief, and Spencer can almost hear the smile in her voice.  “Well, I actually have to run.  I just wanted to call and tell you.  I’ll give you more details once I have them, okay?”  She’s quiet for a moment, before continuing, “Spencer, just because I’m moving there doesn’t mean we have to see each other.”

“It would break my heart if we didn’t,” Spencer says automatically, not letting herself think ahead enough to edit.  “We will.  Call me when you can, okay?”

Hanna exhales sharply.  “Okay.  Goodbye, Spence.”

 

Spencer spends much of the rest of the evening anxiously pacing the apartment, waiting in agony for Caleb to get home.  It feels like every action takes twice as long as it should, probably because she’s having such a hard time focusing.  By the time the door unlocks she’s finally managed to put a meal together for the two of them, and Caleb is all smiles as he walks in.  “Smells great in here, babe,” he remarks.

“Hanna’s moving here,” Spencer says in a rush.  So much for the subtle approach she’d talked herself into earlier.

Caleb takes a big breath and sets his laptop bag down.  He makes his way toward her in the kitchen.  “Okay,” he says, dropping a kiss to her cheek and sitting down at the breakfast bar.  “Can we please talk about this?”

Spencer nods and comes around the bar to sit on the stool beside him.  “I want us to all be able to be friends,” she says.  “I just don’t want things to be strained between us.”  She rolls her eyes with self-deprecation.  “Like they have been.  Like I’ve made them.”

Caleb takes her hand.  “Spence, it’s not your fault.  You felt something for her.  I’ve been there.”  His eyes flick down as he says it, and Spencer picks up on it.

She tries not to sound like too much of a detective when she speaks again.  “After you talked to her a couple of months ago, you seemed happier.”  She hesitates, drawing her thumb across his palm.  “Do you miss her?”

Caleb meets her eyes and shakes his head.  “I don’t know.”

“I’m not asking out of jealously,” Spencer assures him.  “If you still feel something for her…well, far be from me to hold any judgments about that.”  There’s a large part of her that wants him to admit he still loves Hanna; won’t that make this easier, if they’re both in it together?

Caleb is quiet for a beat.  “I do still care for her.  It’s different from what I feel for you, but it’s there,” he says softly, slumping guiltily.

Spencer smiles.  “Do you know how glad I am to hear you say that?” she says softly.

Caleb looks up at her as though she’s insane.  “Why is that?”

“Because we’re on the same page,” she replies.  The smile quickly fades.  Their situation is still complicated.  “I don’t know how this gets us back to normal friendship though.”  That’s not entirely true; there’s an idea that has crossed her mind more than once these past few months, one that feels bizarre to think of speaking about, but one that hasn’t left her consciousness.  When Spencer looks at Caleb, she sees a light behind his eyes, and she wonders in that instant if the same idea has occurred to him—if perhaps there’s something else she’s not alone in wanting.

“Maybe normal friendship shouldn’t be our end goal,” he says carefully.  She can see what he’s doing: testing the waters.  She admires his subtly.  

“What’re you suggesting?” she shoots back.

Caleb rolls his lips together and leans back.  There’s a nervous energy to his body, one Spencer can relate to.  “I am completely in love with you,” he starts off.  “But I have feelings for Hanna too, that’s undeniable.”  He exhales, as though he’s been holding that in for a while.  “And I know you do too.  And I think she feels the same way about us both.”

Spencer nods.  “You’re saying what I think you’re saying, right?” she replies.

“What do you think I’m saying?” he asks.

“That we talk to Hanna.  That we talk to her about—”

“About being in a relationship with us,” Caleb supplies.  They finally make full eye-contact.  Spencer feels like an enormous weight has been lifted at the idea finally being verbalized.  It makes her feel so much saner and much less alone.

“A triad,” she says, kind of liking the way that sounds.  She narrows her eyes.  “There has to be total trust for something like that.  Do you trust me?”

“Absolutely,” Caleb replies instantly.  “Do you trust me?”

Spencer exhales shakily.  “I think I trust you more than I trust myself,” she says truthfully.  Long ago Toby may have been her safe place to land, but Caleb has proved himself to be her tremendous rock of support.

He nods.  “Okay, so what do we do now?” he ponders, a bewildered expression on his face.

Spencer stands up, leaning heavily on the counter.  She’s shaking again, but this time it’s mostly out of anticipation.  “We don’t do anything for the time being.”  The wording almost makes her laugh; it reminds her of their A strategy sessions.  “We let her move here, get settled. I don’t want to mess with her life more than I already have.  And then if an appropriate time arises, we talk to her.”

“Sounds good to me,” Caleb remarks approvingly.  “You’re always good with the plans.  But I’m still all in with you even if Hanna isn’t.”  He follows her into the kitchen and stands behind her, wrapping his arms around his waist.  For the first time in months Spencer feels like she can fully relax into his embrace.  “Thank you for talking to me,” Caleb whispers.  “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Spencer replies, and she means it fully and completely; it finally isn’t shrouded with guilt or expectation.  She loves him, she loves him, and she’s pretty sure she loves Hanna too.


	15. Caleb: Part 4

Spencer has a way of making various situations feel very immediate and intense, as though she’s getting ready to march into battle.  “I like to be prepared,” she’s told Caleb more than once, and he’s had to smile.  That laser focus of hers is one of the many qualities he loves about Spencer, but in this particular instance, her contagious energy is misleading; they have, in essence, a “plan,” but it’s one that will take a while to get in motion.

For one, it’s a little odd to be strategizing on the best way to invite Hanna to join their relationship.  Caleb knows that when the actual conversation goes down they won’t be trying to talk her into anything, but he sort of feels like they’re playing offense, and it isn’t helped when Spencer jokingly quips, “Do you think I should make a powerpoint presentation about the merits of a three-person relationship?”  Honestly, knowing Spencer as he does, he wouldn’t put it past her.

And there’s a part of him that feels oddly lecherous, even though he knows that Spencer and Hanna both feel a fair amount of sexual desire for each other.  Still, he’s the guy here, and the women in question are his current and former girlfriend; it sounds like something out of a porno.  In fact, he’s pretty sure he’s _watched_ that porno at some point in his life.   

Finally, there’s the fact that despite the excitement of their initial chat, it takes another two months for Hanna to actually move to D.C., and it’s another month beyond that before a date is set for them to all see one another.  In the wake of their frank discussion, Caleb and Spencer have recommitted to their all-honesty, all-the-time pledge, and so the night before Hanna comes over Caleb voices his worries once more.

“I just don’t want it to feel like an ambush,” he tells Spencer pointedly, flashing back to the many times he’s watched her interrogate someone.

“I don’t either,” she replies.  “I’m not going to scare her, Caleb.  Don’t worry.”  She doesn’t say it defensively, but rather with an open look about her, as though she knows how she can come across at times.

Caleb tilts his head, considering.  “Although, that’s sort of Hanna’s style too,” he comments.  Spencer smiles at that.  He knows she’s excited to see Hanna.  He knows it because he’s excited too.

She takes his hand.  They’re snuggled up in bed, each having abandoned their books in favor of having this conversation.  “You know you’re not a creep, or anything, right?” she says lightly.

Caleb chuckles.  They’ve talked about that concern of his too.  “Yeah, I do.”

Spencer nods.  “Okay, good.  Because I want this, I really do.”  She raises his hand to her lips and presses a light kiss against the back of it.  “But I’m still all in too, no matter what.”

Caleb leans back against the pillows, holding her gaze.  “No matter what,” he repeats, and they turn off the lights.

 

They probably spend way too long discussing what to make for dinner, but it’s a detail that seems to become of extreme importance.  It’s something that’s easier to focus on than what to say, or how to handle whatever Hanna’s reaction may be.  So Caleb and Spencer spend a good thirty minutes planning a menu, and then another hour and a half after that cooking, and between all this work they end up leaving no time to talk particulars.  Spencer doesn’t start fretting about this until there’s a knock at the door, and it’s then that she turns to Caleb with panic in her eyes.  “What’re we going to say?” she asks worriedly.

Caleb moves toward the door, sliding a hand across her shoulder as he does so.  “We’ll just have to wing it,” he replies, not doing a very good job of hiding his own anxiety.  He takes a deep breath—Spencer does the same—and they open the door.

It’s Hanna, of course it’s Hanna, but seeing her actually here in front of them is somehow a tremendous shock.  She looks beautiful: her hair is a little shorter, just brushing her shoulders, and it’s got a bit of that wild look to it that Caleb’s always loved.  She’s wearing what Caleb thinks is called a maxi-dress, in a deep blue that compliments her eyes.  There’s a slightly pensive look about her, but her face lights up when she sees them. 

“Hi,” Hanna says.

“Hi,” Caleb and Spencer respond in unison.  Spencer’s sort of tucked behind him and the door, and Caleb can almost feel her vibrating.  “Come in,” he says, stepping to the side.

He catches Spencer’s eye as Hanna walks in, notices Spencer smooth the pleats of her dark skirt.  He can tell she dressed up a bit tonight, and she looks lovely as well.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Spencer offers.  Hanna declines and makes her way toward the furniture in the living room.  All those months ago she quickly made this room her home, but now she stands timidly as though she isn’t sure where she belongs.  Spencer motions for her to sit wherever.

“I wasn’t sure you guys would want to see me,” Hanna says as she sits down, eyes darting between them.  She’s taken her usual spot on the couch, and Spencer and Caleb sit across from her in the armchairs.

“Of course we wanted to see you,” Spencer assures her.  “Honestly, we weren’t sure you’d want to see _us_."  Hanna shakes her head, seemingly bewildered by that thought.  

Caleb could almost choke on the tension in the room.  There’s so much being unsaid from all angles, making him long to take a page out of Spencer’s—or, for that matter, Hanna’s—book and blurt it all out.  But there’s a time for that, so instead he asks, “How are you liking D.C.?”

Hanna smiles for the first time since she arrived.  “I’m really liking it.  It’s more—I guess you’d say, eclectic?—than I thought.  And being out of New York…”  Her face darkens at the mention.  “I’m just glad to be out of there.”

Spencer swallows audibly, and Caleb can see the gears turning in her head.  “We were surprised you chose here, of all places to move,” she comments, voice trying and failing to sound neutral.

Hanna scoots forward a little, her posture stiffening.  “I enjoyed my time here when I visited,” she replies smoothly.  “The culture…the history."  She briefly pauses.  "The people.”  There’s some heavy emphasis on that word.  Caleb knows Spencer picks up on it.

He exhales, unsure how much more skirting the issue he can take.  “That make sense,” he says.  “I’m happy to hear that.  Your apartment’s okay?”

Hanna shrugs.  “It isn’t a palace, but it’s bigger than my place in New York.”  Caleb nods casually, as though he hasn’t actively dedicated time to thinking about how their apartment could comfortably house three people.

Hanna looks between them again, must note their rigid postures and nervous limbs.  It feels a little like they’re playing a game of chicken, waiting to see who will break first and start the real conversation.  Hanna and Spencer are both pretty stubborn, so he’s anticipating this might last a while, but then Hanna slumps forward.  The change in position is notable, and he readies himself.

“Can we talk honestly?” Hanna asks in a less shy voice.  Caleb and Spencer nod emphatically.  The fact that Hanna seems to be vaguely on the same page is encouraging, as is the fact that she’s taking the lead.  “Okay.”  Hanna takes a big breath, lifts her chin, and says with conviction, “I want to fuck you both.”

If Caleb was drinking something he would have surely choked on it.  He glances sharply at Spencer, who has turned the color of a tomato.  “I didn’t mean to say it like that,” Hanna is quick to correct, sounding way less confident.  “I just mean…”  She sighs.  “I mean, okay, I _do_ mean that, but mostly I mean that I care for you guys, a whole hell of a lot, in a way that is definitely romantic.”

“And clearly sexual,” Spencer remarks.  Caleb feels like he’s underwater.  He should have expected that a subtle approach wasn’t going to fly with these two.

He feels the need to say something, and finds himself struggling to get out, “I—we—feel the same way.”  He volleys his gaze between the two women.  Both are pretty flushed, but there’s also a sense of relief there.  “Right, Spence?” he prompts.

“I’m…I… _yes_ ,” Spencer breathes out.  “I want that too.”

Hanna grins.  “Okay, okay, cool.”  Her voice is almost shaking.  Caleb is pretty sure they’re all a little shaky at the moment.  “So, what happens now?”


	16. Hanna: Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hanna is feeling rather frustrated.

The answer to Hanna’s question—what happens now?—turns out to be not much.  At least, not much for now.  All three of them are feeling a little overwhelmed, and so they decide that taking things slow is probably the best plan.  It’s entirely logical, and definitely the right choice…and Hanna finds it completely infuriating.  Or maybe frustrating is the better word.  Hanna’s been feeling very frustrated for a while now.  As soon as she gets home from Spencer and Caleb’s, she takes a long shower to cool off, and ends up coming against the shower-head while imagining Caleb going down on Spencer.  

So slow and logical is sounding a little torturous right about now.

A few nights later Hanna invites Spencer and Caleb over to her apartment.  It feels like a step in the right direction, and she likes getting to share her space with them for a change.  She hasn’t gotten to decorate much in the month she’s lived there, but she’s managed to add a few personal touches: some framed photographs, a few brightly-colored throw pillows, a bunch of different yummy-smelling candles.  It’s starting to feel like _her_ place, and that feels amazing.

“I didn’t attempt to cook,” Hanna admits once Spencer and Caleb are inside.  They both look great—Spencer in a gray dress barely long enough to be work appropriate, and Caleb in a dark shirt that highlights his biceps if Hanna squints—and Hanna prepares herself for an evening of having to keep herself in check.

“That’s okay,” Caleb says.  “Pizza?”

Hanna nods.  “I already ordered.  I remember what you each like.”  Spencer smiles at that, and Hanna leads them into the living room where beer and wine are already waiting.  One nice thing about her relationship with Jordan: she got really good at playing the role of hostess.

“Your place looks great, Hanna,” Spencer comments approvingly, surveying the room around her.  “I’ve always liked this building.”  Her curious gaze falls back to Hanna, and it makes Hanna suddenly feel very shy.

“Thanks,” she says.  “It’s fun to have an excuse to buy new stuff.”  Caleb smirks, most likely recalling the endless shopping sprees when they were furnishing their New York apartment.  

There’s a slight lull then, one in which Hanna finds herself nervously sipping her drink and glancing between Spencer and Caleb.  After a few minutes she just can’t take it, and decides it’s time for her to take the lead once more.  “So, now that the cat’s out of the box—”

“Bag,” Spencer corrects automatically.

Hanna frowns.  “That doesn’t make any sense.  Why would a cat be in a bag?”

“Cats love bags,” Caleb points out, before furrowing his brow.  “I don’t know why I’m arguing this point.”

Hanna waves her hand flippantly.  “Whatever.  Box, bag—either way, it’s out there.”  She gestures toward Spencer.  “You’re always good with a plan.  How do we do this?”  Spencer breaks into a grin at her comment and makes brief eye contact with Caleb, who’s smiling as well.  “What?” Hanna says.

“Nothing,” Spencer says.  “Just—Caleb said the same thing about my plans.  I guess I have a reputation.”

Hanna shrugs.  “Well, you _are_ Spencer motherfucking Hastings.”  Spencer’s eyes widen and she flushes; Hanna _loves_ that she’s provoked such a reaction from her.  “Do you like that description?” she asks teasingly.

Spencer nods.  “Yeah, I really do,” she replies with a smirk, before taking a breath.  “Okay, so…trust is the big thing, right?  But we have that, so I think we just need to be communicative with one another, and everything should be okay."  She dips her head and then looks back up at them sincerely.  "And I want to say that this isn’t just a physical thing for me.”

Hanna shakes her head.  “It isn't for me either.”

Caleb looks like he has something on his mind.  “Okay, but what about…”  He trails off, looking between them.

“Sex, right?  You’re referring to sex,” Hanna jumps in.  He nods gratefully.  “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve never had a threesome.”

“Me neither,” Spencer replies.

“I haven’t either,” Caleb says.  “But I agree that straightforwardness is the key.”

Hanna and Spencer murmur their agreement, and that’s followed by another beat of silence.  Hanna wants to talk more, to tell them each how happy she is that they feel the same way, but she’s mostly preoccupied by how turned on she’s starting to feel.  God, it’s like when she was dating Sean and sex seemed to forever be at the forefront of her mind.

Spencer breaks the silence.  “Is there…is there any reason to wait?” she asks slowly.  “It seems like we’re all kind of in the same boat here.”

Caleb exhales.  “I don’t see any reason to wait.  I mean, if you two feel comfortable.  Hanna?”  He chuckles then because he must notice the giant grin on Hanna’s face.

“Not a single reason comes to mind!” she says brightly, just as the doorbell rings.  Hanna deflates.  “Oh.  The pizza’s here.”

Spencer gets up to answer the door.  “So we’ll have a little food, and we’ll see what happens.”  She bites her lip as she says it, and Hanna feels her entire body grow warm.  The anticipation is killing her, but she knows, she _knows_ , it’s really about to happen.

 


	17. Spencer: Part 6

Spencer can’t even really take in what’s being said during dinner.  She nods and adds the appropriate “hmms” and bits of laughter—at least, she hopes she does—but her mind is entirely elsewhere.  Mainly, it’s thinking about how the next several hours are going to play out.

This isn’t the first or even the longest time Spencer has had to wait for sex, but it feels like the most intense period of time.  Even her first time with Caleb, which was three years in the making, felt different.  In that case, just getting the words out was the hardship, and the sex was a somewhat unexpected delight quickly following the confession.  In this case, there’s a clear expectation in place—one Spencer is very excited to enact—and each minute that ticks by feels like torture.

This time, too, she knows she isn’t alone in her yearning.  Caleb and Hanna are both clearly revved up, and she admires the restraint of all three that they haven’t jumped each other’s bones by now.

Finally, the table is cleared, the food is put away, and it’s just the three of them standing in Hanna’s little kitchen.  “Okay,” Spencer says, because she has to say something.

Hanna shifts a bit awkwardly.  “Do you guys want to go to the bedroom?” she asks.

Caleb swallows hard and nods.  Spencer does the same.  Hanna holds out two hands behind her and they each take one.  Spencer expected that first bit of physical contact with Hanna to feel electric; instead, her hand is warm and soft, and feels comforting.  Spencer and Caleb let themselves be led behind Hanna and into her modestly decorated but very cute bedroom.  It’s small, but not uncomfortably small for the three of them.

Hanna sits down on the bed and motions for Spencer and Caleb to do the same.  “If either of you aren’t enjoying yourselves, tell me, okay?” Hanna instructs seriously.  Spencer feels her fondness for Hanna triple in that moment.  She smiles, scoots across the bed, and kisses her.

For half a second Hanna seems surprised by the kiss—which is sort of hilarious, considering all this build-up—but then her mouth slides open against Spencer’s and she wraps her arms tightly around Spencer’s back, pulling their bodies nearly flush against one another.  Spencer winds her arms around Hanna’s neck and through her hair—God, she’s wanted to do that for so long—and tilts her face to find a better angle.

Hanna is an _amazing_ kisser.  It’s different from Caleb—not better, just different.  She’s softer, for one, and strikes just the right balance of gentle and commanding.  Spencer can’t help but smile against her mouth.  Hanna must feel it and pulls back a little, but still holds Spencer close.  “Worth the wait?” she breathes out.

Spencer can’t really speak right now, can only nod, panting.  Caleb exhales nosily and they both turn to face him.  “Sorry,” he says.  “That was…just…wow.”  Hanna barks out a laugh at his reaction and reaches a hand across the bed for him to scoot closer.

“Your girlfriend’s one hell of a kisser,” she remarks, putting a bit of space between her body and Spencer’s.

“If I recall correctly, you are too,” he quips back, before quickly shooting a look at Spencer as though she might feel weird about that.  She absolutely does not.

Hanna smirks and pulls Caleb against her, kissing him deeply.  She still has one arm around Spencer but wraps her other one around Caleb’s neck.  Caleb slides a hand down Spencer’s back, but she barely registers the contact.  

She can’t look away.  Spencer has seen Caleb and Hanna kiss probably dozens of times before, but all those times were nothing like right now.  She’s so turned on looking at them that her brain starts to feel foggy.

Caleb pulls back first, smiling, but with some slight concern on his face.  “Are you okay, babe?” he directs to Spencer.

She finally finds her voice and responds, “I am whatever the opposite of jealous is.”  She takes a big breath.  “Holy _shit_.”

“Right?” Hanna says with a grin.  “I think this threesome thing might just work out.  Now you guys kiss,” she instructs Spencer and Caleb.  They do so, and it’s both familiar and new.  Spencer feels like she’s meeting him all over again, and doing this in front of Hanna could feel awkward but instead adds a level of excitement to the whole thing.  “You guys are really beautiful together,” Hanna comments wondrously when they break apart.  She reaches behind herself to start undressing, and Spencer and Caleb follow suit.  There’s no frantic tearing off of each other’s clothes; rather, their garments ends up in a somewhat haphazard pile next to Hanna’s bed.

Everything becomes a bit of a blur from there.  Spencer knows at some point she ends up propped against Caleb, Hanna’s mouth between her legs, and at another point she’s on top of him while watching Hanna touch herself.  Going down on Hanna is a little weird at first but she gets the hang of it pretty quickly.  

The dichotomy of the two of them is fascinating—Hanna is soft and wet where Caleb is strong and hard.  And yet, both are so gentle with her, so loving, and Spencer doesn’t think she’s ever felt better in her life.

 

Spencer wakes up before either of them the following morning.  They’re curled around each other like two very attractive puppies, and she smiles, the previous evening coming back to her.  She decides right then to make them breakfast, and carefully extricates herself from the bed to do so.

A few minutes later she’s wrapped Caleb’s shirt around her and is attempting to make pancakes out of the limited ingredients in Hanna’s kitchen when Hanna surprises her.  “Hey,” she greets softly, looking at Spencer warmly.  “What’re you making?”

“Pancakes,” Spencer answers with a shy smile.  Hanna stands on the other side of the counter.  Spencer wants to draw her in for a kiss but the gesture feels oddly intimate at this hour.

Hanna furrows her brow in surprise.  “You don’t like pancakes,” she remarks.  “You’ve called them ‘Americans’ poor excuse for a crepe’ on more than one occasion.”  She uses air-quotes to emphasize her point.  “You even bought me a fancy Belgian waffle maker!”

Spencer grins, continuing to measure ingredients.  “True,” she says.  “But _you_ love pancakes.”  She looks up at Hanna as she says it and is rewarded by a wide smile.

“Oh,” Hanna says quietly, then adds, “I love you.”

Spencer looks up at her again.  Her heart is swelling—into her throat, it feels like—but she manages to get out, “I love you too.”

“I mean, I’m _in_ love with you,” Hanna clarifies.

Spencer laughs.  “I know, me too.”  She puts the mixing bowl down.  “C’mere.”  Hanna walks toward her and Spencer hugs her tightly, before pulling back and kissing her soundly.

“I’m in love with you both as well,” Caleb calls out, coming out of the bedroom.  “Now what’s this I hear about pancakes?”


	18. Caleb: Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a playlist for this story. May just be a project for me to enjoy, but if you feel so inspired please take a listen! It's very loosely chronological to the story (though it probably has more happy songs than it should, considering how many chapters were pretty sad). 
> 
> Take a listen here: http://8tracks.com/lco123/pack-up-all-my-cares-and-woe

Spencer manages to cook a pretty delicious breakfast—though Caleb’s not surprised, he’s seen her do more with less—and after eating they loll around in bed for a while, still basking in the newness of all of this.

“It was even better than I thought it would be,” Hanna comments, half-tucked under a sheet and pressed against Spencer’s side.  “After all that expectation—”

“I know,” Caleb says from his spot at the bottom of the bed.  He runs a hand over Hanna’s shin, just light enough to tickle, and she giggles.

Spencer sighs contentedly and scoots down to drop her head against Hanna’s shoulder.  “I don’t want to go home,” she mumbles.

Caleb frowns.  It’s a thought that's crossed his mind once or twice in the twelve hours or so that they’ve been here, but one he’s tried to quickly push away.  The idea of leaving this little cocoon—of leaving Hanna here by herself—just feels wrong.  “We haven’t all three talked about what that’ll be like, Spence and I living away from you,” he says, gesturing to Hanna.

She nods.  “I don’t like the sound of that, but what’re our other options?”

Caleb and Spencer make brief eye contact.  It’s something they’ve talked about briefly and theoretically: if Hanna could live with them.  To even suggest it now feels like skipping about twenty steps, and yet Caleb is tired of having conversations about the three of them with only two of them present.  Communication, as Spencer said, is their most important tool.

Spencer nods, as though reading his mind.  Caleb sits up a little.  “Well, you don’t have to live alone,” he begins, testing the waters.  Hanna narrows her eyes and he continues, “Our apartment has enough space for three.”

Hanna straightens her posture, looking between them.  “Are you suggesting I move in with you?  We just slept together for the first time last night!  _And_ I have a lease.”

Spencer tilts her head noncommittally.  “Both true.  And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or pressured.  I just think Caleb and I living together without you sounds…unbalanced.”  

Caleb likes the diplomatic way she puts it.  It’s true: it does sound unbalanced.  The last thing he wants is for Hanna to feel like an outsider in their own relationship.  

“Are you worried about me getting jealous?” Hanna asks with a hint of defensiveness.

Caleb shakes his head.  “No, I worry about you feeling lonely,” he replies honestly.  “And I worry about missing you.”

Spencer picks up his thread.  “If we’re all going to be in a relationship together, evenly and as partners, shouldn’t our living situation reflect that?”

Hanna purses her lips, considering.  Caleb can see her working that all through in her head.  “What about my lease?” she asks.

Caleb smiles.  “She’s Spencer motherfucking Hastings, remember?  She can get you out of it.”

Spencer bows her head at that, but her eyes are warm.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I can,” she remarks when Hanna turns to look at her.  “Look, there is absolutely no pressure here, and you don’t have to decide right away.  I just—”  Her voice catches a little as she grasps Hanna’s hand.  “I've just waited a long time for this, and I don’t want anything screwing it up.”

Caleb nods.  “There’s been enough screwed up stuff between the three of us to last a lifetime.”

Hanna looks between them and nods.  “Okay,” she says.  “I’ll think about it.”

 

Hanna doesn’t give them an answer for the next few weeks, but that’s okay.  Caleb thinks that giving them a bit of a—well, “trial period” is the phrase that comes to mind—is probably smart.  The three of them fall into somewhat of a pattern: dinner after work at Caleb and Spencer’s, Friday night drinks at Hanna’s, going out to restaurants and movies and farmer’s markets on the weekends.  It’s weird: he and Spencer so completely jumped from friendship into full-blown relationship that there was never really a dating period, and yet that’s what the three of them seem to be doing now.  There’s something sort of innocent about it, and getting to show the city off to Hanna is a lot of fun.

Of course, it’s weird too.  Caleb can’t exactly hold both of their hands walking down the street without a few weird looks.  He and Spencer have talked about making sure Hanna doesn’t feel like the third wheel, and that extends to their interactions out in the world.  This results in absolutely zero P.D.A. between the three, which is a bit of an adjustment.  Not that he and Spencer used to be heavy in the outwardly romantic department, but he misses holding her hand.

“I don’t care what people say,” Hanna tells them one evening after work as Spencer dishes out Chinese food.  “I mean, it’s not like we can be arrested for it, so who cares what people think?”

“That’s true,” Spencer replies.  “But our friends don’t even know.”

Hanna looks up at her sharply.  The three of them have pretty pointedly not talked about Aria, Emily and Alison in all of this.  Caleb knows that Spencer’s been fairly out of touch with the three of them ever since Hanna’s first trip to D.C.  He doesn’t blame her, and he hasn’t wanted to ask her about it too much, but he knows she misses them.

“They don’t even know I’m here,” Hanna says quietly.  “I haven’t told them I moved.”  She says it with her head down, as though she expects a torrent of upset from Spencer.

But Spencer merely shrugs and hands her a plate.  “I know.  I figured as much the last time I spoke to Aria.”

“When do you speak to Aria?” Caleb asks in surprise.

“Last week.”  Her eyes grow a bit devilish.  “Apparently Ezra had a total meltdown about the book.  Totally bombed the tour.”  She can’t even hide her smirk.

“Really?” Hanna inquires conspiratorially, before putting her hands up.  “Wait a minute, we were having another conversation.  So you’re not mad?”

Spencer shakes her head.  “No.  You’ve had a really weird year.  However you want to deal with it is your business.”

“But this affects you too,” Hanna points out.  She turns to Caleb.  “And you as well.”

Caleb nods.  “Yes, it does, but they’re your friends.  Whatever timetable you need to be on is up to you.”

Spencer leans across the counter and takes Hanna’s hand.  “Han, if you want to be out to the world but not our friends yet, that’s okay with me.”

Hanna bites her lip.  Caleb leans closer and takes her other hand.  “It’s not that I’m embarrassed, or anything,” she says.  “I’m so proud to be with you guys.  But I’ve kept so much from them for so long.  I don’t even know how to explain it.  Everything in my life went so completely the opposite of what I expected.”

“Mine too,” Caleb says with a small smile.  

Hanna takes a breath and squeezes his hand.  “Okay, I’ve made a decision.”

“What’s that?” Spencer asks.  “You want to tell them?”

Hanna shakes her head.  “No,” she replies.  “But I want to move in with you guys.”


	19. Hanna: Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're now getting to the part of this story that intersects with its companion, "sugar's sweet, and so is she." This chapter will show another side of a conversation that took place in chapter 2 of "sugar's sweet," so it may be helpful to reread that chapter to refresh your memory on where Emily's head is at here. It won't be confusing if you choose not to, though. :)

“I’m never moving again!” Hanna says loudly, flopping down on the couch.  “This is my third move in a year.  My _third_ , Spencer!”  She knows she’s being dramatic, but the way Spencer is smiling makes Hanna hope she finds it cute.

“Well, if I have anything to say about it, this will be your last for a long time,” Spencer replies, coming over to sit beside her.  “Jesus, you have a lot of stuff.”  She lets out a long, exaggerated exhale which blows a piece of hair off her forehead.  It is simultaneously adorable and really hot, and Hanna rolls to face her with a smile.

“Let’s take a break,” Hanna suggests.  “Cool down a little.”

Spencer raises an eyebrow at her.  “I don’t think you looking at me like that is going to result in us cooling down.”

Hanna widens her eyes.  “How am I looking at you?” she asks with mock-innocence.

Spencer doesn’t answer, merely reaches a hand in front of her to pull Hanna forward by the hem of her shirt.  Hanna rolls toward her quickly and moves to straddle Spencer’s hips.  “Can I let your hair down?” she whispers against Spencer’s lips.  Spencer nods and Hanna gently tugs her hair free of its messy bun, running her fingers through the tangled auburn tresses.  Spencer slides her hands around Hanna’s back, pulling her close, and Hanna kisses her deeply.

“You’re right,” Hanna murmurs when they pull apart, sweeping her thumb along Spencer’s cheek.  “I’m not getting cooler.”

“Good,” Spencer replies throatily, and the sound of her voice sends more heat coursing through Hanna’s body.  Spencer slides a hand up the back of Hanna’s shirt, mouth moving from Hanna’s lips to her neck.  She leaves a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses there as her fingers knead into Hanna’s skin.  Hanna can feel her hips starting to roll against Spencer of their own accord.

“ _Fuck,_ ” she hears from the doorway.  They both turn to peer at the source of the noise and see Caleb standing there, looking a little faint.  He’s holding Hanna’s tiny armchair, and Hanna realizes the placement is very deliberately over his crotch area.  “Please don’t stop on my account,” he says with a wave of his hand.  “Sorry to interrupt.”

Spencer motions for him to come in.  “Of course you’re not interrupting,” she pants.  Hanna hasn’t moved from her lap, and is starting to feel like she’ll combust if someone doesn’t touch her soon.

Caleb sort of shuffles into the room and plops the armchair down.  Hanna glances down and smirks at him.  “You’re super hard right now, dude,” she comments, though right now she’s in no position to talk as she tries to subtly find some friction from Spencer’s lap.

Caleb nods.  “Yeah, you would be too if you had a dick and saw what I just witnessed.”  Spencer chuckles.  “I kind of like watching for a change,” Caleb continues.  “You guys should keep going.  I’ll just…be here.”

Hanna looks at Spencer and raises an eyebrow.  Spencer smiles and nods.  “You don’t have to ask me twice,” she tosses to Caleb over Hanna’s shoulder.  Hanna hums in excitement as Spencer pulls her in for another kiss.

 

Despite a few infrequent sex breaks and lots of complaining (entirely from her), Hanna is eventually all moved in.  Not too much of her new-old stuff made it over—she hadn’t had time to form an attachment to most it it, and besides, she likes the decor of Spencer and Caleb’s place.  Which is now Spencer and Caleb’s and _her_ place, which is weird and cool to think about.

They have a celebratory dinner out at a nice restaurant that ends in sloppy, lovely couch sex (“Man, this couch is getting a lot of action now,” Spencer comments in the morning), and that’s that.  Hanna is moved in, officially.  The new ultra king-size bed arrives a week later, a gift from Hanna to her new roommates as a thank you for giving her an awesome deal on rent—and an incredible new life. 

The designer Hanna is working with is actually pretty cool and lets Hanna incorporate some design elements into the new collection she’s working on.  The woman doesn’t have a big name in the fashion world yet, but that turns out to be a good thing because she isn’t entirely clouded by ego.  It helps, too, that Hanna’s personal life is finally getting stabilized; it makes it easier to have a positive outlook on other aspects of her world.

A few months after moving in Hanna calls her mom.  Ashley isn’t surprised but is happy for her, and tells her as much.  Hanna feels invigorated after the conversation, and wants to tell more people, but it seems like telling her friends has become an impossible-to-scale mountain.  

“It just feels like I’ve built it up so much in my head,” she tells Caleb one morning as they’re getting ready together.  “And now whenever I try to get the words out I don’t know what to say.”

Caleb nods and spits out his toothpaste into the sink.  “Okay, let’s break this down.  Starting with: who do you want to tell first?”

“Emily,” Hanna replies without hesitation.  “She’s gay, she’s done the whole coming out thing.”

“Plus, she’s Emily,” Caleb says.  Hanna smiles; she loves that he gets that.  “So, why don’t you ease into it?”

Hanna frowns.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you don’t have to tell the whole story right away.  Start small.  Tell her you moved.”

“How do I explain _why_ I moved?” Hanna asks.

Caleb shrugs.  “I haven’t gotten that far.”  He drops a kiss to her cheek.  “Emily will understand, Han.”

Hanna knows that, and she hates keeping a secret.  She’s always hated it—it feels like an animal is trying to chew through her body from the inside out.  And she’s so grateful that Caleb and especially Spencer are letting her take the lead here, but despite their protestations to the contrary, she feels like she’s trapping them in the closet, or something.

And yet.  Every time she talks to Aria, Em or Ali, there’s a reason not to say it.  “Ease into it,” she tells herself.  But it’s pretty easy not to.  The truth of the matter is that she doesn’t talk to them that often anymore.  Emily probably the most of the three, followed closely by Aria, but Hanna’s barely spoken to Alison since she left Rosewood, Charlotte’s murder unsolved.

It’s easy to not miss them when she’s so wrapped up in this new and wonderful relationship.  It’s easy to put off telling them when there’s always a happy reason to get off the phone.  And it’s especially easy to do so when she doesn’t have Spencer and Caleb around her during such conversations.

But one night, nearly six months after Hanna’s moved in and the three of them are laughing over a bottle of red wine, she gets a call from Emily.  This time, Hanna decides as she answers the phone, she’s going to jump in.  “Emily, hi!” she says breathily around a giggle.  They’ve all been drinking for a while now, and her brain feels slightly foggy. 

“Hanna, did I catch you in the middle of something?” Emily asks, sounding confused.  Spencer laughs at something Caleb’s saying, and Emily must pick up on it because she says, “Wait, are you with Spencer?”

Hanna takes a breath, trying to calm herself.  “Yeah, Spencer’s here.  Say hi to Em, Spence!” Hanna calls behind her.  She thinks she comes across as casual, as opposed to mildly terrified.

“Hi Em!” Spencer calls back, followed by Caleb saying, “Hey Emily.”

“You’re with Spencer _and_ Caleb?  Together?” Emily says incredulously.

Hanna quietly mhmms into the phone, but she knows Emily isn’t going to let that one slide.  “Isn’t that awkward?” Emily presses.

Hanna can’t help the giggle that spills forth then, because uh, _no._ “No, it really isn’t.  We’re having a lot of fun,” she replies brightly, aware that her voice sounds a little suspicious on the word _fun._

“I didn’t even know they were in New York,” Emily replies.  Hanna can hear the hint of an accusation there.  

“They’re not,” Hanna says.  “I’m in D.C.  She pauses, _ease into it_ repeating in her brain, and adds offhandedly, “I really like it here.”

Emily scoffs a little.  “You haven’t willingly left New York since Charlotte died,” she points out.

Well, that’s not true.  The reminder of her lies hits Hanna hard, but she tries to brush past it.  “Yeah, well, I think I might be ready for a change.  I’m actually thinking about moving here.”  Caleb and Spencer both take notice of that and turn to face her.

“To D.C.?” Emily follows up, shocked.

“Yeah.”  The indignation in Emily’s voice is too much for now, so she changes course.  “Hey, why did you call?”

Emily swallows, hard, and Hanna ponders whether she’s hiding something too.  “Oh, I was actually wondering whether I could come for a quick visit.  I’m interviewing at a hospital in New Jersey and thought maybe I could come see you for a few days.  But if you’re in D.C. . . . ”  She trails off.  

Hanna blinks slowly and exhales, an idea starting to form.  Spencer gives her a quizzical look.  “When’s your interview?” Hanna asks Emily.

“Next week.  I know it’s short notice, sorry.” 

Hanna clicks her tongue, piecing this one through.  She’s pretty sure Spencer and Caleb will be okay with this, so she takes a leap and asks, “Are you going to Rosewood?”

“No,” Emily says sharply, before rephrasing, “I mean, I don’t think so.”

Caleb and Spencer continue to watch with attention as Hanna forces a cheery, nonchalant voice and says, “Well, Aria’s visiting her family next week, and I just got a great idea: why don’t you and Aria come to D.C?  Ali can too, if she wants.  When was the last time we were all in the same place?”  She knows about Aria from Spencer.  They’ve still been chatting more frequently.

Emily sound a little sad as she sighs, but then she says, “Sounds great.  But I don’t think Ali can come.  Dr. Rollins has some important lecture or something.” 

Hanna nods.  She can do this, this will work.  “Okay, so you and Aria then.  Oh, this’ll be great!  Spence!” she calls behind her, as though Spencer wasn’t listening all along.  “The Coven of the Sacred Cocktails is having a reunion tour!”

Spencer and Caleb laugh stiffly—they haven’t heard that phrase in a long time—as Hanna hangs up.  “Well, this is either a terrible idea or a great one,” she tells them shakily.  “But they’re coming here in a week.”

Spencer nods.  “Okay.”  There isn’t much else to say—whatever happens will happen.  But they’re closer than they’ve ever been to telling the truth.


	20. Spencer: Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will use this opportunity to plug once more the playlist I made for this story. If you feel so inclined, take a listen! http://8tracks.com/lco123/pack-up-all-my-cares-and-woe

Aria and Emily are going to stay at Caleb’s old condo, which he’s held onto as a rental property/housing for out-of-town guests, and after some hemming and hawing it’s decided that Hanna will stay there as well.  Spencer feels weird about that—no, weird isn’t the right word.  She thinks it’s ridiculous.  Hanna is her live-in girlfriend, has been for months, and the idea that she’ll actually move out of their home for a few days just to keep up appearances feels like a step backwards into the kind of teenage shenanigans Spencer had hoped were long in her past.  But Hanna doesn’t want too many questions being asked right off the bat, and Caleb is somehow able to talk Spencer off the edge of getting argumentative about it, so she doesn’t push.

Seeing Aria and Em is wonderful, but Spencer finds that she can’t really enjoy their company fully knowing what’s on the horizon.  Every interaction feels bizarrely calculated, as she, Caleb and Hanna are constantly looking for the right time to bring their relationship up.  Over lunch feels too casual, yet planning a dinner for the occasion seems oddly formal.  Aria and Emily have been in D.C. for two days before the proper opportunity presents itself; Caleb and Spencer invite everyone over for drinks and decide to do it then.  

It’s an hour before dinner when Caleb gets suddenly called away for an emergent work situation, so the confession has to be postponed.  Spencer is secretly grateful; Hanna has been nervously texting her all morning and Spencer can tell that she isn’t ready, so tomorrow it will have to be.  She’s finding it harder to understand Hanna’s anxiety around this though—Spencer knows, deep down, that her friends will love them no matter what.  She knows because she feels the same way about them.

The four of them are sitting down around the couch, swapping funny anecdotes and reminiscing, when Emily drops her big news: Alison wants to have a baby with her eggs.  It’s both entirely shocking and not surprising at all, considering Alison.  Emily is a basket case about the situation, understandably, and Spencer and Hanna share some knowing eye contact.  Perhaps this visit isn't the right time.  Emily needs them, and that trumps everything. 

Spencer has to furrow her brow, though, when she sees a tremendous amount of relief break across Hanna’s face. 

 

Aria and Emily leave two days later none the wiser to the situation, and Spencer finds herself growing increasingly frustrated.  She knows it was ultimately the right call to not drop this bombshell in the midst of Emily’s crisis, but it doesn’t make her any less agitated about the whole thing.  And adding to her exasperation is the fact that Hanna and Caleb seem totally fine with it.

“Doesn’t it bother you, them not knowing?” Spencer can’t help but press a few nights after Hanna’s moved back in.

Hanna shrugs.  “Not really.  I don’t think it was the right time.”

Spencer whips around to face Hanna at the breakfast bar from her spot in the kitchen.  “That was part of the whole reason we invited them here!  Wasn’t it?”

Caleb gets up from the couch with a sigh.  Spencer can tell the high-pitched tone in her voice is making him nervous, but once she’s started it’s difficult to stop.  “Spence, they’ll be another chance.  It’s no one’s fault,” he tells her.

Spencer doesn’t even know what exactly she’s trying to argue here.  Maybe she’s just trying to pick a fight.  Whatever it is, her finest self is not on display as she huffs, “Well, it's starting to seem like I’m the only one even interested in telling them.”

Hanna makes a noise of surprise.  “What are you implying?” she asks coolly, a bit of hurt coming in at the edges.

Spencer folds her arms.  “Why is it so hard for you to tell people about us?” she retorts.

“Spence,” Caleb says warily.

“It isn’t!” Hanna insists.

Spencer can feel her face growing hot.  This is a bad place she’s going to, but the more riled up she gets the more she can access this part of her that is angry, and confused, as to why Hanna can’t just tell them.  “Really?  Could’ve fooled me,” she shoots back without a hint of warmth.

Hanna’s expression grows hard and she stands up, but Spencer can see tears rising in her eyes.  “Look, Spence, _I_ told my mom, at least.  I don’t see any congratulatory gift baskets arriving from the Hastings household.”

Spencer’s jaw drops.  Hanna isn’t wrong, but Spencer can’t believe she would go there.  “You _know_ that telling my parents would bring nothing but pain.  My mother’s a senator, for God’s sake.”

Hanna smiles mirthlessly.  “Okay, so when it comes to you not telling people, the reason is obvious.  Your mom’s a senator, so her daughter being in a polyamorous relationship would be shameful, right—”

“I _never_ said it was—” Spencer interrupts.

“But when I need just a little more time,” Hanna cuts in, “and I ask if that’s okay, you say it’s fine, but clearly feel resentful the whole time!”

“Guys!” Caleb tries, but they’re too far gone.

“I just don’t understand why you won’t tell the people who wouldn’t even care!  I’ve been very patient, but even I have limits, Hanna!” Spencer says hoarsely.

“Because I’m terrified, Spencer!” Hanna says around a sob.  “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I keep messing things up!  I messed up everything with Caleb the first time, and then Jordan.  And you and Caleb are so good together, but if I screw this one up I’ll probably ruin you guys too!”  She collapses back into her chair, body trembling.  “Don’t you get it?  I’m constantly making a mess of my life, I’m practically used to it by now.  But you guys are so fucking important to me, and it would kill me if I lost you.  So I thought that the longer we could keep this in our bubble, the less chance I had of hurting us all.”

Spencer’s anger evaporates as she looks at the crumbled mess Hanna has become.  In that instant she feels nothing but sorrow and love for the woman in front of her.  She blinks slowly, realizing that tears are rolling down her face as well.  Caleb moves to stand beside Hanna, wrapping her tightly in a hug, and Spencer walks toward her as well.  She knows Hanna may not want to touch her right now, so she merely says, “I’m sorry.”

Hanna lifts her head slowly.  “I’m sorry too,” she murmurs.  “And we can tell them whenever you want to.”

Spencer shakes her head.  “No, we don’t need to.”

Caleb shifts so that Hanna can lean forward and grasp Spencer’s hand.  Spencer gratefully takes it.  “Bringing up your family like that…” Hanna says regretfully.  “That wasn’t fair.”

Spencer nods.  “It wasn’t, but I shouldn’t have pushed you so much.”  She rubs Hanna’s palm, considering.  “I think that it’s become really hard for me, keeping secrets.”

Hanna gives her a slight smile.  “You’ve come a long way, Spencer Hastings.”

Caleb grasps Spencer’s elbow, bringing her closer to him and Hanna.  Spencer stumbles into their arms, barking out a watery laugh as she says, “We all have.”


	21. Caleb: Part 6

“You’re not going to mess everything up, okay?” Spencer tells Hanna more than once over the next few days.  It gets to the point where Hanna can only roll her eyes and say, “Okay, Spence,” but Caleb knows she appreciates the sentiment.  The two of them are being a little careful around each other, recognizing now how easy it can be to slip into viciousness.

Caleb has never witnessed a fight like that between the two of them.  It was terrifying to see them stand against each other like that, and he never wants to see it again if he can help it.  But Spencer and Hanna are both strong-willed and smart, so he knows that some conflict can come with the territory.

Time passes and they settle back into the new routine.  Not having the reminders of who they aren’t telling around seems to be a good thing; Spencer and Hanna are both more relaxed.  They’re all getting more comfortable sharing their relationship out in the world, and Caleb finds that when he’s holding each of their hands he doesn’t even notice any weird looks people might shoot him.

He learns about news of the other girls in bits and pieces: Alison is pregnant, Aria is writing, Emily is busily finishing up with school.  He’s glad to have happy news about Hanna and Spencer’s friends for a change, instead of some dark reason for them to have to return to Rosewood.

And no sooner has that thought occurred to him than the dark reason presents itself: Alison’s husband kills himself, and leaves a note confessing to the murder of Charlotte.  It’s exactly the sort of horrible situation that Caleb would have guessed Alison would find herself in, at some point or another, and he’s privately so grateful that Hanna and Spencer aren’t near her at this time.  When he voices his feelings on the matter, Hanna looks at him sharply.

“Hey, Ali didn’t bring this on herself, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” she tells him.

“I didn’t say that,” he replies, though he understands how what he said could be interpreted that way.

Hanna turns to face him in bed.  “She’s done some bad things, and I’m not going to pretend like she and I are still super close or that I agreed with Charlotte getting out, but that doesn’t mean she deserved what happened to her.”

Caleb nods.  “Okay.”  

Spencer comes into the room with a sigh, holding her laptop.  “Should we go to Rosewood?” she directs to Hanna.  “I mean, that is the right thing to do, right?”

Hanna shakes her head.  “I already told Em that I couldn’t.  And that I ‘didn’t think you could make it,’” she says with air-quotes.

Spencer shrugs.  “Plans can change.”  She pauses and tilts her head to one side.  “Though truth be told, she probably just wants Emily there.”

Caleb exhales.  “I don’t want you guys going.”  They turn to look at him, hawklike, and he raises his hands defensively.  “I know it isn’t my call.  I’m just telling you my preference.  Every time someone goes to Rosewood they end up either arrested or killed—haven’t we learned after last time?”

“She’s our friend,” Hanna points out.

“I know,” Caleb replies.  “But the last time you showed up for Ali, all of you ended up getting stalked again.  There will be other opportunities for you to be there for her.”  He’s starting to sound a little like a dad, but right now he doesn’t care.  The most important thing in the world to him is keeping Spencer and Hanna safe.

Hanna looks at Spencer.  “What do you think?” she asks.

Spencer props her elbow on her knees to make a pillow for her chin.  “I think he makes some good points,” she murmurs.  “And I think that the idea of losing either of you makes me want to throw up.  The odds of that happening increase the closer we get to Rosewood.”

“The odds of you losing us or of you throwing up?” Hanna quips.

Spencer grants her a small laugh.  “Both,” she says as she puts her laptop on the floor and scoots toward them.  “So, let’s stay here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more of Ali's story here, you can read chapters 9 and 10 of "sugar's sweet." Forgot to mention that the last chapter runs concurrent to chapter 3 of "sugar's sweet."


	22. Spencer: Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs concurrent to chapters 13-15 of "sugar's sweet."

Spencer isn’t sure why or how, given their history, but somewhere along the way she became the person Alison would go to for romantic advice.  She supposes in one sense there’s a certain logic to it: Emily has too much skin in the game to be impartial, Aria is too idealistic when it comes to matters of the heart, and Ali historically hasn’t respected Hanna enough to accept her opinion.  Spencer knows that overtime the dynamics between all of them have shifted and changed, but many of those basic tenets still hold true.  At her heart, Spencer is a pragmatist, and Alison is as well.  Or at least she used to be.

So when Ali moves to California after the death of her husband, Spencer isn’t terribly surprised that she starts hearing from her again.  There’s an inevitability to Ali and Emily’s relationship, and them being in close-quarters is only going to magnify that, if you ask Spencer.  A few years ago, Spencer would have strongly advised Emily to put as much distance between herself and Ali as possible—to go completely into self-preservation mode.  But now she isn’t so sure.

Spencer feels like she’s become a bit of a romantic herself.  Hope no longer seems like the cruel enemy of her youth; Spencer actually gets to come home every day to two people who adore her, two people who take excellent care of her.  She barely talks to her family anymore but that’s okay, at least for now.  She’s made her own family.

When Ali asks for advice about Emily, Spencer isn’t sure what to offer.  “I’m staying with her, and I think I want to buy a house for us,” Ali tells her one Saturday afternoon.  There’s a silence from Spencer.  “Go ahead, tell me what a terrible plan that is,” Ali prompts.

Spencer fingers a strand of hair.  She can hear in Alison’s voice the strain of these last several months.  She’s had one hell of a year.  “It might not be,” she offers before realizing what she means to say.  “I guess it depends on your reasoning.”

“You’re asking if I’m taking advantage of her,” Ali observes not unkindly.

Spencer thinks about refuting that but realizes it’s pointless.  “Yeah, I guess I am.”

Ali sighs.  “It’s not about anyone taking advantage.  At least, I don’t think it is.”  She hesitates, then says in a rush, “I think I could easily fall in love with Emily, if we keep spending all this time together.”

“If you buy a house for the two of you, those feelings are only going to get stronger,” Spencer points out.

“I know,” Ali says plainly.  “I think that might be a good thing.  No one’s ever loved me like she has.”

“You can’t make yourself love her just because she loves you.”

“I’m not,” Ali tells her, and something about the way she says it makes Spencer believe her.  “I’m pretty sure I could.”  She pauses, then says softly, “I’m pretty sure I already _do._ ”

Spencer exhales, glad to hear Ali say that.  “Ask her,” she instructs.  “I think your heart’s in the right place.”

Ali scoffs.  “I came to you for logical advice, and you’re talking to me about hearts?  Whatever happened to you, Ms. Hastings?”  Her tone is playful.

Spencer chuckles.  “Oh, Ali, you have no idea.”

 

Not long after that Emily invites them to the house-warming party.  The evening after she does so, Spencer, Hanna and Caleb sit around in the living room discussing whether they should go.

“We didn’t show up last time,” Hanna says pointedly in Caleb’s direction.

“Hey, as long as it’s not in Rosewood, I’m fine either way,” Caleb says.

Hanna makes brief eye contact with Spencer.  This invitation puts the “to tell or not to tell” discussion of recent months firmly back on the table, but Spencer doesn’t feel as agitated about the subject as she once did.  The last thing she wants is for Hanna to feel backed into a corner again; she still feels guilty when she thinks about the way she reacted that night.

“I say we go,” Spencer says.  “And we just see what happens.”

“No plan?” Hanna asks.  Spencer thinks she means it mostly as a joke, but there’s a note of genuine surprise to her voice.

Spencer shrugs.  “Eh, we can wing it,” she says with a smile.  Caleb raises his eyebrows at Hanna and Spencer promptly hits him with a pillow.

 

Alison and Emily’s house is beautiful: two stories, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a yard.  “It’s so big!” Hanna whisper-yells as they walk up the front steps.

“So is Ali’s inheritance,” Spencer quips.  It’s out in the open now that Hanna is at least living in D.C.—a nugget she dropped casually into conversation with Spencer and Caleb the previous week, to their surprise—so them all showing up together is no great mystery.

Ali and Em usher them inside excitedly.  Spencer hasn’t actually seen Ali in person since her pregnancy, and seeing her with a baby bump is downright weird.  It suits her, somehow, and yet it makes her look adult in a way that gives Spencer a pang of nostalgia.

Spencer is pretty sure that _something_ is going on between Alison and Emily; they’re pretty much all over each other the entire evening.  It’s sweeter than she expected.  The two women are completely in sync, and it’s clear that they’re very comfortable with each other.

(Privately, Spencer wonders if any of her friends are making similar observations about she and Hanna.)

Spencer is relaxing and having a good time, partway through a conversation with Aria about her really good-sounding new book, when Hanna suddenly and violently yanks her away.  “Um, hi Hanna!” Aria says with displeasure as Spencer raises a hand in apology.  Hanna looks absolutely frantic, and she quickly grabs Caleb’s hand too as he comes up the stairs.  Soon they’re all three shoved in the bathroom, alongside a very pissed-off looking Emily.

Spencer is confused, yet the current arrangement clues her in that this might be the moment.  As Hanna’s gaze volley between she and Caleb, Spencer feels her heart rate pick up.

Emily looks at them sternly from her spot beside Spencer.  Spencer wants to scoot away from Emily and into Hanna or Caleb’s embrace, but right now she knows she needs to stand still.  “Okay, what’s going on?” Emily asks.

Hanna takes a large breath and raises a hand to the side of her neck, beginning to rub the skin there.  “Emily saw Caleb and I together,” she murmurs in Spencer’s direction.

Spencer’s eyebrows shoot up in recognition and her mouth feels dry.  Okay, this is it.  She’d pushed and pushed, but now she doesn’t know if she’s ready.  “So you’re confused,” she says to Emily, who nods emphatically.  Spencer licks her lips, eyes darting between Hanna and Caleb, before exhaling.  “Emily,” she says slowly, “Hanna lives with Caleb and I.”

Emily furrows her brow.  “Okay...?”  She looks utterly perplexed, but Spencer wasn’t expecting anything else.

Caleb steps toward Emily.  “That’s not all,” he continues, putting a reassuring hand on Spencer’s arm.  She’s very grateful for the contact.  “We live together, because we’re in a relationship.  Together.”

“All three of us,” Hanna clarifies.

Emily’s mouth drops open and her eyes widen.  “What?!” she says.

“Yeah,” Hanna continues.  “I came out to visit a while back, and we just all had such a nice time together, and then I moved to D.C., and we kept having a nice time, and eventually...I mean, my feelings for Caleb never really went away, and then I started to develop feelings for Spencer.”

It’s not the whole story, really just a partial shading of it, but it’ll do for now.  The whole story is theirs.  Spencer picks up the thread and continues, “Hanna and I started spending a lot of time together, and I developed, y’know, feelings for her too, I guess.  But it became more than that.  And when I spoke to Caleb about it—”

“I think she gets the picture,” Caleb cuts in, face flushing.

“Sorry,” Spencer says sheepishly.  “It’s just been hard not to talk about.”  There’s a certain catharsis in saying the words to someone else.

Emily looks like her brain is exploding.  “No one knows?” she asks, and all three nod.  She swallows, and Spencer can see her doing the mental math.  “Are you guys, like, all in love with one another?”  The three of them nod again.  They’re together here, a unit.  Emily shuts her eyes.  “And you’re happy?”

Hanna smiles and puts an arm around Caleb’s midsection, who in turn wraps an arm around her shoulders.  The sight brings warmth to Spencer’s trembling heart.  “Yeah, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

Emily studies them for a moment, her gaze not critical, but curious.  “Alright,” she says eventually.  “Then I’m happy for you.”

Spencer feels like collapsing.  On the one hand, she knew that Emily would still love them, but to actually hear it is something else entirely.  “Really?” she says with a small, hopeful grin.

Emily nods.  “I mean, I’m surprised, and a little confused.  But you guys seem, y’know, good together.  So I support it.”  She chuckles.  “Wow, who knew so many of us would turn out to be queer.”

“Yeah, just Aria as the lone straight girl,” Hanna says with a laugh, seemingly grateful for something to break the tension.  “And not just queer, but incestuous too.  I mean, me and Spencer, you and Ali—”  Shit.  She claps a hand over her mouth, just as Spencer groans, “Oh _Hanna_.”

“Not really me and Ali though,” Emily is quick to point out, but Hanna rolls her eyes.  Spencer wants to scold her when Emily picks up on it.  “What?” Emily poses to Hanna.

Spencer smiles tightly.  Okay, so they’re doing this too.  “Look, we weren’t going to say anything,” she says in Hanna’s direction.  “But now that this is out in the open," she gestures between them, "you can tell us, Emily.”

“Tell you what?”

Spencer squints, confused by that response.  Surely Emily can’t think she’s that dense.  “About you and Ali.”

Emily straightens up  “What are you talking about?” she asks thickly.

Caleb exhales and taps Spencer’s wrist.  “I told them it’s none of our business, but Spencer and Hanna seem to think that you and Alison are together.”

“Because you guys so are!” Hanna interjects with a glare in Caleb’s direction.

“We’re not though!” Emily insists.

This doesn’t make sense.  All the affection tonight, and her phone calls with them previously…it seemed so clear that something was going on.  “I just figured—after our conversation,” Spencer attempts, “I figured you’d talked to Ali.  You guys are so touchy and sweet, I just thought—”

“Talked to Ali about what?” Emily asks lowly, looking a little nauseous.

Hanna shoots a look at Spencer.  Emily still doesn’t know, doesn’t get where Alison’s head is at.  It’s not their place to tell her.  Hanna says softly, “You know, Em, you should probably talk to Ali about this.”

As if on cue, Ali’s voice comes filtering up the stairs: “Em?  You up there?”  Hanna, Spencer and Caleb file out of the bathroom wordlessly, having unloaded more than one secret upon poor Emily.

 


	23. Caleb: Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is meant to take place between chapters 15 and 16 of "sugar's sweet."

Hours after their bathroom confession, Caleb finally gets a moment of reflective peace on the front porch.  He sips his beer slowly, feeling some of the tension of the evening releasing.  The voices of his friends and girlfriends drifts out to meet him occasionally, but for now he’s all alone.

Until the glass door slides open.  “Oh!” Emily says in surprise.  “Didn’t mean to bother you.  I thought no one was out here.”

Caleb gives her a half smile.  “Trying to find a hide-out?” he asks.  He doesn’t wait for her nod before continuing, “You’re not bothering me.”  She tentatively moves toward the railing where he’s leaning before collapsing a little against it.  Caleb takes notice of the worry on Emily’s face, nearly imperceptible in the dark until he really looks at her.  He offers her his beer, and she hesitates for a moment before accepting it gratefully and taking a long swig.

“We dropped a couple of bombshells on you earlier.  You recovering okay?” Caleb asks.

Emily sets the beer down on the rail but keeps her hands firmly wrapped around it.  “Yeah,” she says slowly, as though unsure if she means it.  She turns to look at him.  “I’m really happy for you guys.  It’s just...the Ali of it all.”

“Have you talked to her?”

Emily shakes her head.  “Not yet.  I want to wait until it’s just the two of us.”  She lets out a long exhale, and Caleb can see how hard she’s working to calm herself.  She glances down, then back at him, attempting a smile.  “Y’know, I feel like I should tell you that I’ll hurt you if you ever break Hanna or Spencer’s hearts, but I think I know you too well for that.”

Caleb grins and coughs out a laugh.  “Well, that’s a good thing, because I’m pretty sure you could kick my ass.”  He pauses, sobering slightly.  “I never would though, in case you were concerned.”

Emily smiles slightly.  “Not one bit.  You’re a good one, Caleb Rivers.”

“Thanks, Em.”  He studies her for a moment as she stares out at the front yard.  She looks so worried, so sad, and Caleb wishes there was something he could do to help.  But he knows from experience that Emily has to face this situation by herself.  He takes a breath.  “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Alison, but I know that anyone would be lucky to be with you.  And as long as she appreciates that, maybe you should give her a chance.”

Emily nods slowly but doesn’t look at him.  “I’m going to go back inside,” Caleb says after a beat.  “You want to come?”

Emily faces him finally.  “No, you go ahead.”  He turns to walk away but her voice stops him.  “Caleb?” she calls, and he turns around.  “Thank you, for what you said.”

He smiles, and says, “Anytime,” before making his way back toward the sound of laughter.

 


	24. Hanna: Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for this story. In the next couple of weeks I'll start the final fic in the "Bye Bye Blackbird" series. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on this fic. It's been a blast writing it.

Hanna doesn’t know if it’s like this for every person who comes out, but she finds that once she tells one friend, telling others seems so much easier.  Aria comes to the airport with them and they tell her there—she smiles and hugs them—and they tell Emily that she can tell Ali.  Hanna thinks that’s probably the safest approach; Ali’s reaction is the hardest to predict, and filtering it through Emily will only soften the blow.  But a few days after they’ve arrived home Ali sends them a long, kind email, saying that she’s incredibly happy for them.

Hanna sits on the couch, stunned, after she’s finished reading.  “I can’t believe it,” she says.  “They all know.  What was I so afraid of?”

“It’s okay that you were afraid,” Caleb tells her.  “Now we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

“And hey, even though Emily caught you guys in the act, you still got your wish: she was still the first to know,” Spencer points out.

Hanna decides they need to celebrate, so she books a dinner at one of their favorite restaurants.  It’s fancy enough for Spencer to feel at home while low-key enough to have the kind of food Hanna enjoys eating.  Caleb isn’t too picky about eating establishments, which is really good considering how strongly opinionated Hanna and Spencer can be.

As Hanna is deciding what to wear, she comes across the red dress she wore with Spencer to the benefit.  It’s been about two years since that night, though it feels both like days earlier and like a lifetime ago.  “Spence!” she calls.  “What do you think, should I wear it?”

Spencer snickers when she first recognizes the dress but then her eyes grow soft.  “Oh, that was an interesting evening,” she recalls.  “Sure, you wear yours and I’ll wear mine, and we’ll make new memories.”  She winks on the last word, and Hanna replies in a low voice, “Yes, m’am!”

They all get ready together and Hanna thinks they look pretty awesome: Caleb in this lovely gray suit Hanna picked out for him, Hanna in her red gown and Spencer in her navy one.  It gives Hanna immediate flashbacks to the night she and Spencer nearly kissed, though the memory isn’t clouded with guilt as it once was.

“I’m the luckiest guy in the world,” Caleb remarks as they sit down to dinner.

“Yeah, you are,” Hanna replies with some sass as Spencer laughs.

They all drink a fair amount—though Caleb stays sober enough to be their designated driver—and eat a truly delicious meal, and afterward Hanna is so overcome with love and joy that she needs to let it out, needs to run around outside, so they make their way to a park a few blocks away.

“You really are a puppy,” Spencer comments from a bench as Hanna kicks off her heels and runs through the grass.

“We should get one!” Hanna gasps, half-jogging back to Spencer and Caleb.  “A puppy!”  She turns to Caleb.  “What do you think?”

“Yeah, we could do that,” he remarks.  “I’ve always wanted a dog.”

“Me too!” Spencer says excitedly.  “But my parents didn’t want anything smelly in the house.”

“Amazing they let Toby around, then,” Caleb jokes, and Spencer swats him good-naturedly.

Hanna wears herself out pretty quickly and she and Spencer hop in the back of the car.  They cuddle against each other, and though Caleb complains about feeling like a chauffeur Hanna can tell he finds them really cute.  “Where to now, ladies?” Caleb asks.

Hanna smiles against Spencer’s shoulder.  She thinks fleetingly about the two rings in her dresser drawer that she almost brought with tonight.  They’re not engagement rings, because they can’t be, but they’re something similarly significant.  Promise rings, of sorts.  She’s glad she didn’t bring them, because there’s no rush.  She knows she has time.  Spencer and Caleb aren’t going anywhere.

Hanna looks out the window briefly before turning her gaze back inside the car.  She doesn’t know if she’s ever felt so content.  With a happy sigh, Hanna says, “I’m ready to go home.”

 


End file.
